ThePGA Tour will have its own cash cow back when the tournament in Augusta, Ga.,begins Thursday. Tiger Woods decided the tightly sealed mini-world of thesport's most exclusive venue is just the place to return to work while avoidingtoo many questions about his personal behavior.
TheObservers are by no means golfers, but they know a good show when it comesalong. They'll leave the hushed tones to CBS, though.
Frank: Iguess this Masters is nothing short of the most important thing in golfhistory.
Artie:I'll be watching, you betcha. I'm glad Tiger is back.
Frank:Remember, you'll miss part of the final round because we'll be at Miller Parkwatching the Brewers against the hated Cardinals.
Artie:No problem. The Crew will flip the Birds in plenty of time to see the homestretch, and I'll have the rest on tape.
Frank:And you say this as someone who, like me, plays almost no golf.
Artie: Iused to enjoy it, but these days the No. 30 bus doesn't go past a heck of a lotof courses.
Frank:There's the par-3 layout at Lake Park, where I actuallyplayed a round two years ago. Scored pretty well, too, thanks to some generousrules on conceding putts.
Artie:Mark Twain described golf as "a good walk spoiled," and at this pointI'm not real fond of walking, either. But I love to watch the four majortournaments.
Frank:Me too. They're the only ones anyone remembers. Quick, someone name me thewinner of the Northern Trust Open in February or the Honda Classic last month.
Artie:This year Wisconsinhas one of the majors, the PGA Championship at Whistling Straits in August. ButMilwaukee's owntournament is gone because U.S. Bank dropped the sponsorship.
Frank:Tiger made his pro debut in ’96 right here, remember? But he never came back.By the time he retires, Milwaukeemight be the only venue where he never won.
Artie: Isuspect he'll get over that, assuming he wins five more majors to pass JackNicklaus with 19. And you've got to figure he thinks he can get No. 15 thisweek, or he would have stayed in his cocoon of penance, ain’a?
Frank:The whole Tiger Tempest says a lot about how America works these days—or atleast the American media. A little over four months ago, there was all this hand-wringingabout Tiger's downfall. Would he ever overcome the stigma of serial adultery,would the country overcome itsdisillusionment? Now that he's done the public "mea culpa," who caresanymore? There's always another idiot coming along to act stupidly and give thecable-TV gasbags a new topic.
Artie:Everyone's gotta blather something, "post" something, tweetsomething. Mountains are made of many molehills.
Frank: Aculture that pays even minimal attention to the Kardashians or Jon and KateGosselin deserves to be questioned.
Artie:Give Tiger a break. He was a rotten husband, but he didn't kill anybody. Thebig question for me is whether that 9-iron his wife supposedly used to get himout of the wrecked car is still usable.
Frank:So you're rooting for him this weekend?
Artie:Absolutely. It's great theater.
Frank: Idon't much care whether he wins, but I've never found him to be a very pleasantpersonality.
Artie:That was no secret on the Tour. But nobody ever said you have to be a good guyto be a great athlete.
Frank:True, but I'd rather see a guy like Phil Mickelson win.
Artie:Oh brother, you gotta be kidding! I can't stand that guy.
Frank:Really? A good family guy, smiles a lot, friendly to the media, didn't seem tolet a long stretch of failure in the majors get him down...
Artie: Ijust find him unctuous and un-genuine. He's so sunny he seems false to me, withthat aw-shucks stuff. Remember what Robbie, our copy editor, said about him?"He looks like a rich kid who never had to worry about anything."
Frank:I'll admit that sometimes the celebration scenes when he wins—bringing out thewife and the adorable kiddies—can look staged.
Artie:That family stuff doesn't bother me. I just think he lays it on too thick. He'sas concerned about his image as Tiger is.
Frank:It seems pretty clear that the two of them don't care for each other.
Artie:There's real animosity there, aside from the athletic rivalry. I've alwaysthought a large segment of golf announcers and writers fawn over Mickelson.
Frank: Mediafolks are human, too. It's easier to be friendly toward someone who's friendlyback.
Artie:But I've wondered whether some of it is backlash—the notion of Mickelson as theanti-Tiger, or even a Great White Hope.
Frank:Mickelson once was called "greatest player never to win a major." Washe really as sanguine about his failures as he seemed to be? I guess I dobelieve it, which makes him interesting to me.
Artie: Ithink he's just as big a competitor as Tiger but tries not to show it. I'drather see Tiger win; his obsession is genuine. And if he doesn't, let thegreen jacket go to Wisconsin'sown Steve Stricker.
Frank:I'm with you there.
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ADream Is Dislocated
Artie:This should be a great week, with baseball's return and the Masters. Butthere's a big cloud over it: The Bucks getting fouled out of possible successin the playoffs.
Frank:It's hard to think of a worse disaster than Andrew Bogut's terrible fallSaturday night against Phoenix.
Artie: Adislocated right elbow and broken hand. More proof that the Bucks have a RayAllen Curse, just like the Detroit Lions have a Bobby Layne curse.
Frank:Better explain that.
Artie:Layne was the No. 1 quarterback when the Lions won the 1957 NFL title, althoughhe was injured before the championship game. The Lions traded him to Pittsburgh in ’58 andsince then they've had no titles and only one playoff win. Allen was a starwhen the Bucks almost reached the 2001 NBA Finals, and since he was traded inFebruary 2003 the Bucks are 0-3 in playoff series.
Frank:Now the Bucks have their own "Joe Theismann moment." I've neverwatched a replay of Theismann's horrific broken leg in ’85 and I'll never watchBogut's fall again.
Artie:Holy cow, it was gruesome.
Frank:Amar’e Stoudemire drew a flagrant foul, but I don't think it was a dirty play.His contact helped make Bogut go off-balance, but it looked like he was tryingto hold up.
Artie:But it was a stupid thing to do. Stoudemire knows how vulnerable a big guy iswhen he's going full-tilt for a dunk. The landing is tricky anyway, without thecontact adding to the pendulum motion.
Frank:What makes it especially tough is that the Bucks probably will be no worse thanthe No. 6 seed in the East, with a genuine chance to win a first-round series.
Artie:Especially against Atlanta.If they wind up playing Boston, David Stern’sNBA will take care of things by repeating that debacle in Cleveland last week. Forty-five free throws to nine by the Bucks!
Frank:Come on now. Who would ever think the league and TV big shots would rather seethe Celtics advance? Anyway, without Bogut it looks like "one anddone" for the Bucks.
Artie:Now we'll get the Dan Gadzuric experience—about 10 minutes a game, because bythen he'll have his six fouls. Maybe the Bucks could sign the aging Paul Mokeskito a 10-day contract. He could be a "foul eater," just like JeffSuppan is an "inning eater." And just as effective.
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