A few months ago, longtime Vine reader and erstwhileneighbor Christine asked, "So, when are you going to do a column on boxwines." I mentioned to her that planned to do one for April Fool's.
"No, seriously," she said with an edge in hervoice that gave me goosebumps. This is, after all, a woman who hiked the stateof Vermont infive weeks, and offhandedly asks questions like, "Hey, are you guysinterested in a triathlon?"
She was correct, of course. Myexperience with box wines had been unpleasant for the most part, but it madesense for me to give a take. After all, it is the least expensive wine deliverysystem.
So, how do they get the wine in there? The wine's notreally in the box, of course. There's an aluminum or plastic pouch inside thebox, tapped with a small spout of some kind. These containers are officiallycalled "casks," although they're known in Australia as "goons."
Box wine tends to be of lesser quality than bottled winebutthere are advantages. Once you open a bottle of wine, you're committed. Thewine starts to oxidize almost immediately, and your wine will lose qualityrapidly. Box wine never touches air until it hits the glass, so it can keepconsistent quality until needed (although you can't age box wine). One of ourfriends termed box wine "Homer Simpson wineyou push a button, and thereit is!"
They hold up to five liters of wine, but the most commonsize we'll see is three liters. Three liters is equivalent to four regular-sizedbottles. And there's the rub. I drink a lot of wine, obviously, but havingthree liters of a generally-not-great wine lying around for just myself and theSweet Partner in Crime isn't what I'm looking for. Generally, you'd get thesecontainers for larger gatheringsor if someone is distracted, gone for work, orjust lame enough to need a wine that will last for a month.
Still, the obvious reason was to par-tay. Thus, the FirstAnnualBox Wine Extravaganza was born. Christine and I each got twoboxes of wine, and we went from there. The cast of characters:
- The Sweet Partner in Crime and I.
- Christine and her handyman husband Jeff.
- Katherine, a mutual friend.
- Marlene & Steve, our Francophile neighbors.
We did our best to take notes on our tastings, but by theend of the evening, predictably, we lost track of who said what. The quotestell the stories well enough.
The wines:
Angel Juice 2006 Pinot Grigio
Banrock Station 2008 Chardonnay
Black Box 2006 Cabernet Sauvignon
Black Box 2007 Shiraz
(Christine and I bought our wines separately, so we ranwith what we had.)
First up, the Angel Juice.
- "It's lawnmower wine. You know, for a hot day in the yard." (Which led to: "What? You mean you'd put it in the lawnmower?")
- "It'll drink, but there's not much body."
- "It's so lightit's not really much of a wine."
- "It's like Crystal Lightthe Wine of the Astronauts!"
- "Kinda bitterlike the seeds are crushed up in it."
- "It says 'honeysuckle and citrus'I don't get either. More lemon rind than lemon!"
- "It quenches your thirst but I won't say much beyond that."
- "One word: Wimpy."
We did find that it went reasonably well with food. Pestopaired well for some reason.
Then came the Banrock Station. Honestly, we all wished we'djust stayed on the train…
- "It smells like honey wine or cider."
- "It's sour. There's no oak -- none. It's just bad, bad, bad."
- "It's like a golden shower for your mouth."
- "I wouldn't cook with it."
- "It tastes like battery acid."
- "It's a cut above Mad Dog."
- "I'd give it to a homeless guy so he could get a change of pace."
Truly an awful wineunanimously one of the worst we'd hadcollectively. More optimistically, the suggestion was made: "Maybe youcould make a spritzer out of it." (You couldn't.) Christine made the bestsuggestion: "Well, at least you could recycle the box…"
Withpalates collectively in shock, we were worried as we edged towards the reds.The Black Box wineswe were dubiousbut we went forward. We were too investedto turn back:
- "This isn't bad!"
- "It's not complicated -- but it's decent." (Surprised nods all around.)
- "It's versatile. This is good wine for a party."
- "It's inoffensive -- it would go with a lot of things. There's enough fruit and tannin to be interesting."
- "It passes the cube test. If it's really hot, you could put ice in it and it's still drinkable."
Black Box's Shirazfollowed suit:
- "It's nondescript, but you really could drink it with anything."
- "It's a really simple wine."
- "Hey! This goes pretty well with chocolate!"
- "It's good."
- "It's yummyhas a little bite to it, unlike that chardonnay, which just bites."
- "It's far too easy to dispense!"
We made a dent in all four. The Cabernet had the least leftby morning. The chardonnay was the cheapest ($16), while the shiraz was the most expensive ($24). Sincethere are clear levels of quality, if you're willing to drop $20 or more on abox, you'll probably end up OK.
One last note on the Banrock: We did follow Christine'srecommendation.
