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I Can’t Break Up With His Money, I Mean, Craig

Weier Not Amused

Jul. 7, 2010
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I’m so happy right now I’m bursting with joy. Life is great. I just got promoted to floor manager at Bath & Body Works, my sister had a baby, and Craig and I couldn’t be happier. I know what you’re thinking. My relationship with Craig hasn’t always been in the greatest condition. The 2009 Brewers season had some pretty dark days. But other than that, we’ve been great. I really feel like our bond is stronger than ever. That is, if you don’t count the time he finger banged a stripper at his friend’s bachelor party in Vegas. But much like the medication Craig had to get for the STD he got from that dirty skank, time heals all wounds.  

Even though Craig and I have been dating for six years, it seems like it was just yesterday he was my fairytale prince who grinded on me for an hour at Decibel, bought me a shot of X-rated, and swept me off my feet. I don’t want to say our first meeting is a Cinderella story, but if the cheap stiletto I broke that night fits… Since then we have been attached at the hip.

If you want to sustain a great relationship for as long as we have, of course you have to be willing to work hard at it. Sometimes it’s about compromise. We’ve developed a system that works for the both of us. Like if he wants to go out with just the guys, I get to pick out anything I want at Jared. If he stays out all night without checking in with me at our designated times, he gets to take me to Cancun again. It’s the give and take in our relationship that really holds it together.

These last six years have been a trip, but most couples break up 27 times, right? It’s only natural in a period of time that long. But after the last time he screamed, “I never want to see you again you dirty whore,” and I screamed, “Whatever, just go have sex with my sister again,” I realized something. I love him too much to ever let him go. I just can’t break up with his money, uh, I mean Craig again. He’s just too important to me. Craig and the condo he bought for us are my life now, and I couldn’t imagine not living within walking distance of Brothers. Plus, who could give up a guy who buys you little presents for no reason just to show you how much money he has, I mean, how much he loves you. That kind of guy is definitely in the “keeper” category.


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