What to Do When He's Too Big
Using lubricant can
enhance almost all sex play, but in this circumstance it's especially
important. Using lube for vaginal, anal or oral penetration can reduce
friction, irritation and pain, especially during initial penetration or
prolonged thrusting. If you've never used lube before but have a partner who's
on the larger side, start using it now. Both water-based and silicone
lubricants are condom-compatible.
Speaking of condoms,
many men on the bigger side feel that condoms are too constrictive. There are
many larger brands of condoms out there to solve this problem, but like all
condom brands, each varies in size, so you may have to experiment to find one
that feels right. A common complaint about larger condoms is that they are
often thicker as well. One brand that received top marks in Condom Depot's
annual ranking of best condoms is Trustex Extra Large, specifically because of
its thinner, more sensitive feel. Some men find that it's not the diameter of
the condom, but the amount of room at the top that makes it feel more
comfortable. If that's the case for you, consider condoms with extra-sensation
pouches at the tip of the condom, like the ONE Pleasure Plus.
Another important way to
reduce pain during initial vaginal or anal penetration is to have fun with lots
of non-penetrative sex play beforehand. It's important to be relaxed and
aroused prior to penetration. The vagina, especially, will become more
lubricated and more ready for penetration the more turned on a woman is. So,
now is the time for clitoral stimulation, nipple play, spanking or whatever
gets you hot. Move away from the idea that "sticking it in" is the
main event of sex and, paradoxically, it might become easier to do so.
If you're experiencing
pain during deep thrusting, experimenting with different positions may do the
trick. Invest in a good sex-positions book and have fun trying new ones that
feel good to both of you. Typically, side-by-side positions allow for shallower
thrusting: Try spooning or lying side-by-side with both partners facing the
same way and the penetrating partner in the back. Positions that put the
partner being penetrated on top also allow them to control the depth of
penetration a little better. During vaginal sex, a woman's level of arousal can
also affect how comfortable deep penetration feels, since the top of the vagina
expands and the cervix moves back when a woman is highly excited. In addition,
where a woman is in her menstrual cycle affects the position of the cervix (it
moves higher when she is ovulating and lower when she's not). This sometimes
explains why a position that felt great two weeks ago is now painful.
Finally, remember that
size is relative. What seems large to one person may seem just fine to another.
If you or your partner is having difficulty with sex due to penis size, please
don't feel that there's anything "wrong" with either of you. If it's
worth it to make the sex work, you can find creative ways, and if it's not,
there may be other partners in your future who will be a better fit for you.
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Laura Anne Stuart has a master’s degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade. She owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’s East Side.