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Flocked But Good

Dec. 9, 2010
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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, got to tell you’s that I am not physically and/or mentally up to stuffing this page with a fully blown chock-jammed essay this week. No sir, I’m just too dang worn out to whip it out, I kid you not.

Here’s the deal: Because I’ve been courageously battling some kind of bug o’ flu along with a couple, three other annoyances, lo this holiday season, I’m doing my best to drink plenty of fluids. If it’s wet, I’ll down it. (No, I did not get the flu shot. Instead, I’ve chosen the Jim Beam shot to fight my afflictions. Not only is the Jim Beam shot more easily available, you can also take advantage of the healing power of multiple dosages, what the fock.)

And they say to get plenty of rest. But how in hell are you supposed to do that after quaffing fluid after focking fluid all day long into the nighttime? For christ sakes, last night every time I’d conk out and start dreaming to where I was leaving the canteen with Rita Hayworth on one arm and Veronica focking Lake on the other, I’d have to wake up to take my hundredth leak of the hour for crying out loud.

But speaking of the holiday season, I know a lot of you’s go nuts for the Christmas. But to a guy like me, all I can say is big focking deal. And I’ll tell you why, again, just in case you haven’t heard.

To a guy like me, every day’s a focking holiday, I kid you not. Today? A focking holiday. Yesterday? Just another focking holiday. Tomorrow? You bet. To a guy like me, tomorrow is sure to be a focking holiday, and the same goes for the day after that. And that’s because, why? That’s right. To a guy like me, every day’s just ANOTHER focking holiday. I must lead a charmed life. Most people, they got their Christmas, their Thanksgiving, New Year’s, Fourth of July—a mere handful of holidays a year. It is to pity, for they are the ones who are forced to wistfully remark to their loved ones: “Oh why can’t we make Christmas be each day of the year.” “Why does Sweetest Day come but once a year?”

Hey, you’ll never catch me whining like that, no sir. And I’m sure many would envy a guy like me, a guy who can honestly say, “Oh brother, every goddamn day is just another focking holiday.” In fact, I’m working right now on a new holiday song called “Every Day’s Just ANOTHER Focking Holiday.” I won’t have it done in time for Christmas, but it really doesn’t matter when the hell it comes out—it’s a song to be sung any damn day of the year, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.


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