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He Comes Before I Do… What Can We Do?

Dec. 8, 2011
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My boyfriend always finishes before I can orgasm. What can we do about that?

Although I don't know the gender of the person who submitted this question, I'm going to answer as if the writer is female. This is because it's not uncommon for me to talk to male-female couples at workshops or at the Tool Shed who voice this same concern. While men and women (on average) take a similar length of time to achieve orgasm during solo masturbation, women can take up to twice as long during sex with a partner.

It's good to approach this issue as a couple, as you seem to be doing, rather than blaming one person or the other (e.g., “You come too fast” or “You take too long”). While men can learn methods of ejaculatory control if they desire (see one of my earlier columns for examples), women can't really force themselves to reach orgasm more quickly. Labeling one person's sexual behavior as a “problem” is one of the quickest ways to kill sexual desire.

Most men have orgasms relatively quickly once penetrative sex (e.g., penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus) has begun. Therefore, one of the easiest ways to make sure you both get off is to focus on stimulation for the female partner before penetrative sex has begun. For example, many women find that receiving oral sex is a great way to have an orgasm, so do that before moving on to vaginal or anal sex. If oral sex isn't your thing, talk about what kind of stimulation does feel good, whether it's with fingers, vibrators or something else. The majority of women reach orgasm through some kind of clitoral stimulation (not through vaginal penetration), so make sure to give the clit some loving, whatever it is you do.

Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to
laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.

Laura Anne Stuart has a master's degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade. She owns the
Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee's East Side.


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