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I Stand on Guard for Thee

Nov. 8, 2012
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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here you read a voice from out of the past. For me with the deadline, it’s Election Day, Tuesday, Nov. 6, and by the time you maybe take a gander at this essay, you’ll already know who won, who got shafted, whether or not the Republicans were successful in stealing the Ohio vote through voting-machine shenanigans, so what can I say, what the fock.

Well sir, I can say this: Last weekend, we were all benefited by the boon of an extra 60 minutes, courtesy of the machinations wielded by fall’s daylight-saving time adjustment. And each and every year, I always try to put this free hour to good use—learn a foreign language; darn a couple, three socks; blow the dust off my Buffet clarinet and re-memorize the Mozart Clarinet Concerto in A major, K. 622—you betcha.

This year, I decided to use that gift of time to investigate what our quiet neighbor to the north—that being the constitutional monarchy of Canada—may have to offer a prospective expatriate such as me, in the event that come Wednesday, Nov. 7, Mr. Etch A focking Sketch has claimed the White House and his know-nothing Republican cohorts control the other two branches of what used to be a government.

What did I know about Canada besides the ass-boring National Film Board of Canada documentaries on “King Coal” we had to sleep through in eighth-grade science class, or that they’re the No. 1 publisher of recipe books for the preparation and serving of “road kill”? Yeah, not much.

But during my hour of research and study, I began to learn that I’ll take their health-care system over ours any focking day of the week. Publicly funded? No deductibles? Virtually no co-pays that empty your wallet just to walk through the doctor’s door because you’re puking sick or worse?

So I’m cutting this essay off here and now, ’cause I got more studying to do. And if this election doesn’t turn out the way I’d prefer, you can bet your buck two-eighty that I will grab my coat, get my hat, leave my worries on the doorstep and head out for that sunny side of the street, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.



The U.S. Supreme Court announced that it will hear the case to determine if Wisconsin Republicans’ redistricting maps are too partisan. Do you believe the U.S. Supreme Court will order Wisconsin to redraw our legislative maps so the majority of legislative districts are competitive and voters will actually have a real choice between a Democrat and Republican?

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