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Help for the "Curious-Sexual"

Jan. 2, 2014
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I am pretty curious about all things sexual. I am a male. I have only been with girls, but I’m pretty curious about being bi. I’m also curious about all sorts of kinky stuff with girls. I know this is extremely vague…but what kind of advice do you have for someone like me? I don’t know if they have sex clubs or anything like that here, or if those even exist. I just want to experience everything sexual…I’ve been cooped up on my family’s farm for too long. I mean…you could probably name anything, and I’d try it.

This is a great question to kick off the new year, because I hope that everyone, throughout their lives, remains curious and willing to try new things sexually.

For someone in your situation, where it sounds like you have relatively limited sexual experience, I think two things are necessary: the ability to distinguish between fantasy and real-life play, and the ability to set boundaries for yourself.

Many people fantasize about sexual things that they actually don’t enjoy doing in real life. It’s totally OK to be really turned on by the idea of a particular type of sex, and to read erotica or watch porn that features that type of sex, but not ever engage in that type of sex. I mention this because people often equate an interest in a sexual activity with a need to actually do that activity, but that’s not true for everyone, and it’s totally OK if you try something and find that it was much more fun when it was just in your head.

It’s also important for relative newbies to feel OK about setting sexual boundaries and sticking to them. I applaud your willingness to try anything, but no one is going to enjoy every type of sex, and sometimes it’s necessary to say “I’m not really into this after all, and I’d like to stop.” Anyone who is worth your time will respect that statement and not shame or pressure you into continuing. If you are with a partner who has more experience than you, it’s especially important that they do this.

You mention your family’s farm, which makes it sound like you’re in a rural area. It’s often much, much harder for people to find a supportive sexual community outside of urban areas. You can try sites like FetLife, which describes itself as “like Facebook for kinksters,” but you may or may not be able to connect with people in your area who are also interested in experimenting with bi or kinky play. It might be worth it to make a special trip to attend a conference or other gathering—for example, Kinky Kollege in Chicago or the BECAUSE Conference in Minneapolis. Just come prepared with your ability to negotiate and set your own boundaries!

Laura Anne Stuart owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’s East Side. She has a master’s degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than fifteen years. Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXPress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.


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