Jul. 9, 2008
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I’m Art Kumbalek andman oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, another Summerfest has come and gone, but right on its heels we’ve got the Bastille Days shebang Downtown this weekend—the Drink Beer on the Street and Oui-Oui in Le Boulevard fest, which begs the question: How do you get a French waiter’s attention? Hey, start ordering in German. Ba-ding!And of course there’s the story about the guy who asks his companion, “What’s the most common French expression?” And his friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and says, “I give up.”

I know that some people find the Orient inscrutable, but what about the French and their love and devotion to mime? I’ve heard tell of some who go to study with legendary mime experts like a Fecal Debris or somebody, study five-ten years, and they still can’t figure how to get out of that focking box? (Pardon my French.)

But I’m not one of those who think the French to be completely worthless. There is the Jerry Lewis idolatry, which I can’t argue with. And you ever seen any photographs of Brigitte Bardot sans the clothing? Oh, ladyyyy!—Ay, chihuahua!—I rest my case.

And in the post-Bush neocon years to soon commence, this country’s going to need all the help it can get, including that of the French, I kid you not.

And so as a gesture of good will, I’d like to pay tribute to the French and their reputation for dicking around with artis tic experimentation by combining the rest of this newspaper essay here with the art of mime. It’s a hybrid that I don’t believe has ever been tried before. It’s also a hybrid that I wish the commentators on the FOCKS News Network would adopt on a regular basis, what the fock.

And so I present a piece I call Man In a Crowded Tavern Trying to Find the Goddamn Men’s Room While Writing a Newspaper Essay about International Relations in a Windstorm, and it goes something like this:

Merci! Hey, how’d you like the part where I was the French guy holding a light bulb as the rest of Europe revolves around him? I thought it had a nice je ne sais quoi to it, ain’a? So thanks for coming, drive safely, and if you’re driving in Paris, you know the reason they have all those tree-lined streets is so that the Germans can march in the shade. Le ba-ding au naturel!cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.


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