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The Alt-Write Stuff

May. 2, 2017
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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I hear that the orange circus peanut we call president of the United States passed up having dinner with a bunch of guys and gals who write about politics for a living so he could hold a pally rally at a shovel factory in the Keystone State. You think it might be the same factory from where he got the shovel he uses to fling his 24/7 bullshit, what the fock?

 

Some people wonder if our snake oil swindling Svengali knows anything about history. I wonder, too; although, I do not wonder that he has certainly boned up on 1920s-’30s Il Duce Mussolini, moltissimo, bene moltissimo.

 

Anyways, I can’t pony up much of an essay for you’s this week on account that the other day I finally declared my declaration to be your next governor; since so far seems that no Democrats have the chutzpah to take a run at our incumbent Gov. Snidely Whiplash, for christ sakes. So I’ve got a full focking platter what with the hobnobbing to do for some campaign dough on account that currently my war chest amounts to about a buck two-eighty plus a dollar-off coupon for dry cleaning from a joint that’s gone out of business, I kid you not.

 

But as your next guv, I vow to shovel tons of money to the public schools, which they desperately need and hanker for. My will to do this was steeled when I stumbled upon one of those back-page slow-news-day bullshit stories about some kind of Education Department report reporting that many of our American school-age rocket scientists “are unable to write effectively” and have “trouble making their point in writing.” Should I care? Hey, anybody wonder if maybe these kids didn’t have a focking “point” to make in the first place, for crying out loud?

 

And even if they did, who cares? This report I read seemed to be most bugged by the notion that our future Einsteins were deficient up-the-jock-and-back “in the ability to write persuasively.” Now, that is a tough tittie ’cause from what other source but our young people are we to go for informative and convincing reportage on topics like, “Who’s More Bitching: Xbox One S or Nintendo Switch?,” “The Supermodel I Whack Off About Most Often and You Should, Too” and “Why My Dad’s An Asshole.”

 

Yeah yeah, this focking waste-of-time report finds that poor study habits result in poor writing skills. Really? Who would’ve thunk, ain’a? And it goes on to whine that kids can’t write ’cause they’re too busy watching too much TV. OK Mr. Smarty-Pants report, then I’m saying they’re not watching too much TV—they’re watching the wrong TV. I’m saying if we were really concerned about our kids’ harmony with the tenor of our times, that our local TV news shows—instead of running B.S. for old farts like the latest in neighborhood block watches, Humane Society kittens and where to save a focking penny on a goddamn gallon of gasoline—ought to run more stuff about bitching supermodels and how to stay out all night without getting caught; ought to run stuff our kids would watch on the TV news so that they, too, could become informed citizens like the rest of us.

 

Personally, I don’t view this report about how suck-ass our kids are at writing as necessarily bad news. In fact, to a guy in my position, it’s darn good news. If kids can’t write their way out of a paper bag, it lessens the chance and increases the odds that some whipper-snapping snot-eater with a multicultural tale to tell could waltz into this newspaper and set up shop in place of me, what the fock.

 

So, I got to go and start riding that ol’ lonesome campaign trail. And instead of harping on job creation, I’m going to hammer on “job replacement,” as in Art Kumbalek replacing Snidely Whiplash as your brand-new guv. The gig now pays $144,423 each and every year, and I can seriously use that kind of dough—especially after I haul it over to Potawatomi and triple it in two seconds flat Jack, I kid you not.

 

As Gov. Kumbalek, first order of my business will be to triple taxes on all Honky-sha County Republicans for their penchant to elect election officials that can’t count, and other general principles like bamboozling water from out of Lake Michigan. This increased revenue will be used to hire a boatload of new public school teachers statewide and to highly raise the salaries of the teachers we already got. Our children’s future depends on this, you betcha.

 

“Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation,” that’s my slogan ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek, and I told you so.

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