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They Shoot Lawn Mowers, Don’t They?

Aug. 6, 2008
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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, right now for me it’s late Tuesday after noon, Aug. 5. Brett Favre.

The powers-that-be at this newspaper demanded that I cut short my holiday hiatus up there nearby 30-miles north of Hayward (Town of Barnes for you’s nit pickers), situated in the state of near extreme northwestern Badgerland.

Brett Favre. I arrived in town moments ago sans TV-news helicopter coverage of my return to our fair city via Greyhound Bus (apparently cooler, and attached, heads, prevailed).

As a card-carrying aficionado and occasional yeoman with the liberal print media, I am journalistically implored to inform you that I am right here, right now, but moments away from the revered ink-stained deadline.

Brett Favre.

And so rather than the reasoned and researched essay I would otherwise provide you’s with vis-a-vis Favre-orama, I have only the time to flip your way some thing like one of these blogs you might find on that Wide World Interweb. I can’t promise this brief effort will contain as many misspelled words, piss-poor punctuation, factual-bullshit inaccuracies not to mention heebie-jeebie hysteria as you’re used to with the blog malarkey, but what the fock, ain’a? I’m short on time, so blow me. Brett Favre.

A Timeline

  • 33 A.D. (or so): Christ gets crucified on the cross.
  • July 25, 2008: An apparently gassed to-the-gills 57-year-old Keith Walendowski is charged with shooting his Lawn Boy lawn mower to mechanical death at 9:30 a.m. via a sawed-off shotgun on the lawn outside his ma’s house on the South Side of Milwaukee.
  • 1634: French-Canadian explorer Jean Nicolet establishes a piss–ant trading post around and about the grounds that would futurely become known as the hallowed grounds of the frozen tundra belonging to Titletown USA up there in Green Bay.
  • Sometime 1990s: Brett Favre becomes TV-ad mouthpiece for the Snapper lawn mower.
  • 33 A.D. (or so): Christ gets resurrected and agrees to retirement status as spokes-model for the Christian faith.
  • Sunday, Aug. 3, 2008: Brett Favre returns to Green Bay, Wis., ready to kick big-time ass belonging to all non-believers in the Green and Golden hierarchy. Idolaters rejoice.
  • Aug. 5, 2008 and beyond: Presidential candidate Art Kumbalek feels there are things in the universe that mankind was not meant to know, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.


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