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Guy and Doll

Sep. 25, 2008
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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’ve got a pretty big honking announcement to make in regard to the late-surging Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office. As Sky Masterson noted in the classic musical Guys and Dolls: “I am not putting the knock on dolls. It’s just that they are something to have around only when they come in handy... like cough drops.” Yeah, like cough drops, or maybe vice-presidential running mates, ain’a Sky?

I’m please to announce that following a big-time vetting process, I’ve selected someone to run with me on the Kumbalek ticket, someone I imagine that I can confidently manipulate to look and think any way I think my No. 2 ought to. And let’s face it, she’s not bad looking either—an absolute doll, what the fock. She may not be as big a hunter as some candidates, but I’ll tell you, she’s sure got a better rack than any goddamn moose you’ll eyeball through a rifle sight, you bet.

The main thing I was looking for was a good sense of humor, so I told her a little story: So this blond walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter and says, “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” The clerk, cupping his ear says, “Come again?” And the blond says, “No. This time it’s mayonnaise” She really got a kick out of that one, I think.

I wanted someone with a sense of history, so I asked her if she could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be? And her reply: “I’d have to say the living one.”

Now, about foreign affairs. I don’t know if she can see Russia from where she lives, but I can say that at the vetting I saw London, I saw France, I saw… well, whatever it was I saw, can any other candidate claim the same? I think not.

And I know she has an innate curiosity. When I remarked that I had seen in the newspaper that 12 Brazilian soldiers had been killed. I could sense that she wondered just how many a “brazilian” was.

Anyways, I ought to tell you that me and the Election Express will be making a campaign appearance down there by the Oktoberfest festivities on Old World Third Street, 2:30-4:30pm Friday, Sept. 26, supported by the music of the mighty Brewhaus Polka Kings. Yes, you’ll also be able to meet my side-kick running mate, and I abso-focking-lutely promise to learn what her name is by then ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.


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