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Deer Crossing

Sports in Real Life

Oct. 9, 2008
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Cross with care

We can all sleep better tonight with the realization a deer is helping our kids cross the streets. Last time I checked most deer ended up on the front of a bumper when they tried to cross a highway or street. Perhaps we'd be better suited to follow a badger or lemming across the road, you hardly ever seem them as a heaping blemish on the street.

Milwaukee Bucks mascot Bango teamed up with students on the International Walk to School Day. In our days of questionable youth promiscuity, I'm not sure it's a good idea to name anything 'Bango.'

You can put an untoward idea into a kids head.

Free Market

We've all used Craigslist.com for one reason or another. The other day I was perusing the sports section, mostly out of curiosity as writing keeps me at a poverty level. I'm amazed at items some folks think others would want, and I'm blown away by the prices they sometimes request.

One guy is trying to unload a sleeping bag his son used for camping when he was 'younger.' Which one of you wants to crawl inside a bag used for sleeping by another human being? It's like buying a used mattress or worn underwear. Ugh. He wants 10-bucks for the thing.

What the hell is a crampon? One goof is selling 'grivel adjustable crampons.' It sounds like an intestinal disorder. He says they're good for 'pointing' but best for 'glacier travel.' That's good. Let me know the next time you're planning on heading out for a glacier. I'll alert the media. Glacier? Oh, 50-bucks gets you the crampons.

Here's a gem. Some clown is selling two used baseball batting gloves. Yum! The thought of sticking my paw into a crusty, sweated-out, smelly chunk of leather makes my heart sing. This guy has the balls to charge you 10-bucks for the pair. Wow. Thanks.

Another genius is selling a bowling ball which can be drilled and 'finger tipped.' The last time I saw those two words in a sentence was in Penthouse magazine. It's red/orange and can be used for either gender. They want 10-bucks for the ball and you have the thrill of picking it up in West Allis. Depending on where you are, the gas alone could easily run you 10-bucks.

Get this-some guy is selling a dog shock-collar. In a sports section? Is this Michael Vick? The collar, you'll be glad to know, has a 1000 yard range, it's waterproof, has 15 levels and with silent warning, 'so you don't always have to shock your dog.' He paid over 250-bucks for this masochistic device. He's too friggin' lazy to train his dog like everybody else. I'm sure he has a Wife Collar too, the sack.

Oh yeah, if you thought you had everything. One of Wisconsin's finest is selling a massive moose head. It has a -- 44 1/4" rack with 13 points. I'm pretty sure I dated a woman like that in college. The guy says it's in excellent condition and wants 12 hundred-bucks.

What exactly constitutes a moose head in 'perfect' condition? No wrinkles, good teeth?

Another sports related item: Insulated Lunch Bag with Am/Fm Radio.

It has front-mounted Stereo Speakers, a convenient easy-carrying adjustable shoulder strap. If that's not enough, it has the Merrill Lynch name & logo on top! All this can be yours for a meager 10-bucks.

A guy in Chicago is selling his coveted collection of Michael Jordan Wheaties boxes, 'in mint condition.' Get this…he's never opened the boxes. They include the 1991 NBA World Champions(front right corner a tad dented),1993 12oz. box, 1993-three straight box, 1994 exclusive collectors edition silver box,1995 Jordan's Back! box, and 1996 Champions! box. 10-bucks each or all 6 for 50-bucks. Wheaties already taste like they've been in a box for sixteen years, the Jordan pictures are a bonus.

The Sports section of the Shepherd Express is brought to you by Miller Time Pub.