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Jim, Beam Me Up

May. 13, 2009
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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So what the fock, the other day I suddenly realized we got an election for governor of America’s Dairyland right around the corner in a yearand-a-half come the November of 2010, which means I got a heap of pipe to lay from now ’til then if I aim to bag that job.

I hear I already got some stiff competition for the gig, besides the incumbent. There’s Scott Walker, our Milwaukee County executive whose notion of effective servitude to the people is to put on a suit in the morning and then call it a day, but not before counting the new dollars in his campaign war chest fund.

So no essay from me this week ’cause I got to go meet with mine own campaign brain trust over by the Uptowner tavern/charm school situated at the corner of Hysteric Center Street & Humboldt—where today is always at least a day before tomorrow, and yesterday may gosh darn well be today—and kick-start the 2010 Art Kumbalek Democracy Express for Whatever Office You Got, I kid you not.

Come along if you’d like, but you buy the first round. Let’s get going.

Emil: Fock you. You talk like a sausage, Ernie. Of course they would’ve had to whatyou-call “torture” at some point. Listen, you’re on a five-year mission for the United Federation of Planets to explore strange, new worlds and every time you turn around, all you’re getting is some-kind-of shit from space aliens whose only purpose in the universe is to fock you up; and not in a good way.

Julius: Sounds logical. I can imagine that while the captain Quirk and that pointyeared Nimrod what’s-his-name are shoveling their dime-store philosophy in front of the cameras up on the bridge of the ship, deep in the bowels are a couple-three beefy redshirt uncredited crew members kicking the everloving crap out of some three-eyed squishyheaded piece-of-work from the planet Upyerz II, ’cause they’re trying to get this puss-bag to fess up to messing with one of those bullshit crystals focking Scotty was always whining about, ain’a?

Herbie: Bet you a buck two-eighty Dick Cheney is a big Star Trek fan: To boldly go where no vice president has gone before.

Ray: “Damn it George, I’m a torturer and serial liar, not president of the Senate.”

Little Jimmy Iodine: Hey, Artie! Over here. Put a load on your keister.

Art: Hey gents. What do you hear, what do you know.

Ernie: I hear there was torture on the Star Trek Enterprise.

Art: If the Geneva Convention covered acting, I suppose a William Shatner line-reading could be… construed as… ag-… ainst… the rule… s.

Little Jimmy: He always did seem a little wooden, ain’a?

Ray: He was the only actor on that show who didn’t go to make-up before a scene. They used varnish instead.

Ernie: I rented some old Star Trek movies last weekend ’cause it’s been awhile and I wanted to be up to speed when I go to see the new one that just came out. Remember Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan?

Herbie : Fockin’ - A . That’s the one where Ricardo Montalban looks like Greta Van Susteren with big knockers, ain’a? 

Julius: No. I thought he looked more like the other Republican bitch-harpy, Ann Coulter, but with bigger knockers.

Ray: Yeah, “Mr. Roarke” with long hair and a set of jugs, por favor, not my kind of fantasy. I wondered what was next for the guy, a line of male lingerie and a brochure, “Ricardo’s Secrets”?

Art: Yeah yeah. I never saw that movie. It’s like Groucho said, he never went to a picture where the leading man’s tits were bigger than the leading lady’s.

Ernie: Doesn’t it always seem like the future’s here before you know it and when it shows up, it’s like “big focking deal”?

Julius: You got a point, Emil. There was that movie, “2001: Space something-or-another” that was actually made in 1968. So what the fock, it’s 2009 now and we still haven’t been to another planet.

Emil: You’re full of a crap. I seem to recall that as a species we’ve been to the moon, have we not, Mr. Einstein?

Ernie: Fock the moon. All those millions and millions of dollars spent so a couple, three flyboys could knock a golf ball around a place that looks just like the middle of Nevada but without all the gambling and legalized prostitution. Like I said: Big focking deal.

Little Jimmy: The future has always been hard to figure for mankind. Again, like Groucho said: “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

Herbie: And don’t forget, about man’s yearning for knowledge of his place in the universe, he said: “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” (Hey, it’s getting late and I know you got to go, but thanks for letting us bend your ear, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.)


The U.S. Supreme Court announced that it will hear the case to determine if Wisconsin Republicans’ redistricting maps are too partisan. Do you believe the U.S. Supreme Court will order Wisconsin to redraw our legislative maps so the majority of legislative districts are competitive and voters will actually have a real choice between a Democrat and Republican?

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