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Browsing the Ba-Ding! Boutique

Nov. 29, 2016
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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, it’s now December and once again time to fling the doors open to Art’s Ba-ding! Boutique for those of you’s struck dumb by your Christmas shopping monetary obligations.

 

ABB is the shop that answers this question: Why not give everyone on your goddamn list the gift of laughter ’cause it’s a gift that won’t cost you a focking dime? You can then use those savings on a big ol’ bottle of holiday cheer all for yourself and drown your seasonal depression like a bag of cats over the bridge.

 

What follows are a couple, three items that may interest you. Feel free to stroll around the page and choose whatever catches your eye.

 

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Three ministers and their wives, Presbyterian, Southern Baptist and Methodist, are on a cruise. They all come down with severe food poisoning and croak. The next thing they know, they’re standing before St. Peter at the gates.

 

First in line is the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shakes his head and says, “Sorry, can’t let you in. Yes, you were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.” St. Peter waves his hand, and bingo! Down the chute to Hell they go.

 

Second is the Southern Baptist couple. St. Peter says, “Sad to say, can’t let you in either. Sure, you abstained from liquor, dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!” St. Pete waves again, and boom! Down the chute go the Southern Baptists.

 

The Methodist turns to his wife and whispers nervously, “Doesn’t look too good, ain’a Fanny?” Ba-ding!

 

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This drunk at a nice holiday party asks the host, “Do you have green toilet paper that says ‘fock you’”? The host says, “‘Green toilet paper that says ‘fock you’? No, we don’t have that.” Drunk says, “Oh, sorry. Guess I must’ve wiped my ass with your parrot. Never mind.” Ba-ding!

 

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So this guy wakes up from surgery for a prostate this-or-that. Doctor enters the room to give the guy the report. Doctor says, “Well sir, I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that we were able to save your private parts.” Guy says, “That’s a relief, I tell you. So what’s the bad news?” Doctor says, “They’re under your pillow.” Ba-ding!

 

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A guy walks into a tavern and there’s a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy just stares at the horse, so the horse says, “Hey buddy, what’s the problem? You never seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy replies, “No, it’s not that...it’s just that I never thought the parrot would sell this place.” Ba-ding!

 

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So this kid walks into his new classroom, and the teacher says, “Hello young man, and what is your name?” And the kid says, “Dickie Fockhower.” The teacher told him that she doesn’t allow that kind of language in her classroom. Dickie tells her again that his last name is really “Fockhower,” and that she can go ask his little brother in kindergarten to prove it. So the teacher tells her class to read chapter 4 while she goes to find Dickie’s little brother. She walks into a kindergarten class where the teacher had stepped out for a moment, and asks, “Hello, class. Is there a Fockhower in here?” One of the kids yells out, “Heck no! There’s not even a cookie break!” Ba-ding!

 

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Hey! Over here in the Kids Section: Guy goes to the dentist. Dentist checks the guy’s mouth and says, “These are the worst teeth I’ve ever seen. Do you ever floss?” Guy says, “Flossing’s a big pain in the butt.” Dentist says, “Then obviously you’re doing it wrong.” Ba-ding!

 

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In Jerusalem, a TV journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had gone to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to the Wailing Wall to investigate and there he was. She watched him pray and when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

 

“I’m Rebecca Smith from FOCKS News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

 

“Sixty years, I kid you not.”

 

“Sixty years. Incredible. And what is it you pray for?”

 

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop. I pray that our children grow up in safety and friendship.”

 

“And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

 

“Like I’m talking to a focking wall.” Ba-ding!

 

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Okey-dokey, time to close up shop. Hope you found something you liked, you cheap bastards, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

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