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That's (Not) What Friends Are For

Apr. 4, 2017
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Some say there’s nothing to do in Milwaukee in spring. I say those people are friggin’ losers! Nothing chaps my hide more than some damn cheese head, complaining about nothing to do in Cream City.

Sure, Jack Frost keeps dicking with our weather, but there’s always fun to be had in Milwaukee. Check out the list of happenings here, hit a few of Milwaukee’s restaurants, bars, theaters or galleries, or simply plan a special night at home with your honey. (And by “special” I mean “sexy.” And by “sexy” I mean “being tied up by clowns with a Jell-O fetish.”)

Speaking of sexy, lets read the email below. Friends with benefits might put a spring in your step, but not if Cupid hits you in the keester first.

Dear Ruthie,
I’ve had a f*ck buddy for two years. He’s a great guy, and he seems to think I’m a great guy, too. After a few hooks ups, I started to have feelings for him. I suggested we go on a date. He told me he wasn’t interested in a relationship, but maybe that would change in time. About a year later, I asked again and got the same response.

We’re still hooking up after two years, and my feelings remain the same. I recently asked him again if we could date. He said he wasn’t interested. What should my next steps be? I’m confused.

—Lonely Guy

Dear Guy,

You owe it to yourself to find a fellow who’ll give you his heart in addition to his tonsil tickler. Sure, you’re going to miss your friend’s pork sword, but this relationship isn’t fair to you. It’s time to walk away and find real love. That’s why you’re confused, honey. You want love, but know you’ll never get it when your buddy’s womb broom is still in the picture.


April 5: Trivia Night at This It (418 E. Wells St.): The team at This Is It premieres a new trivia night with this 7-10 p.m. event. The trivia is free to play, and you’ll also find discounts on drinks and pizza. (Say what?) Check it out this week and every Wednesday afterward.

April 8: Alton Brown’s ‘Eat Your Science’ at The Riverside Theater (116 W. Wisconsin Ave.): Combine a science nerd with a foodie and you get this hilarious stage show from Alton Brown. Featuring songs, games, puppets and plenty of audience participation, Alton’s daring take on food demos promises a delicious night. The show starts at 8 p.m. (doors open at 7 p.m.), with tickets ranging in price from $35.50 to $125. See pabsttheater.org for more.

April 8: Horrorgasmo V: Halfway to Halloween at The Local/Club Anything (807 S. Fifth St.): Can’t wait to get your Halloween on? Neither can the horrifying hosts of this pagan party! For $5, you’ll enjoy an 11 p.m. show, starring more than 12 demonic Drag queens. A creepy costume contest, devilish dance floor and more monstrosities make this a scary way to shake up spring. Doors open at 9:30 p.m., and the spooky soiree runs till bar close. 

April 8: Post Office Party at Fluid Bar (819 S. Second St.): Forget the phone apps, and meet guys in person for a change! This Second Street staple turns into a perky pickup joint with me…your Post Mistress General! Join me as I host this 10 p.m. event with a meet-and-greet twist. You jot a note to anyone you’d like to get to know better, and I’ll deliver it for you. How many “letters” will you get? How many will you “send?” C’mon down to Fluid and see!

April 9: Boots, Chaps & Cowboy Hats Party at Kruz (354 E. National Ave.): Dust off your spurs and slap on some chaps because the boys of Castaways MC of Milwaukee are hosting a downhome hootenanny. Free and open to the public, the studly social includes a beer bust, raffles and more. Dress in your cowboy best, and get a few raffle tickets for free. It’s always a good time at this 3-7 p.m. leather fest. 

April 11: Volunteer Orientation at Milwaukee LGBT Community Center (1110 N. Market St.): Looking to get more involved in your community? Want to make meet people and make friends? Sign up to help at the LGBT Community Center. Join a 6 p.m. training session and learn how you can get involved. Can’t make the meeting? Email mburns@mkelgbt.org for more.

Want to share an event with Ruthie? Need her advice on a situation? Email DearRuthie@Shepex.com. Be sure to follow her Facebook (Ruthie Keester) and Twitter (@DearRuthie). 


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