Phony Write-In Candidates are No Joke

I'm not especially psyched about foretelling the future with my own brand of dumb farce, but it does happen on occasion. Prior to the 2012 elections, as a freelancer for a now-defunct paper in Fond du Lac—my birthplace, home base, and wellspring of a certain purgatorial charm—I composed a cautionary tale about mocking democracy by writing-in crass names. And sure enough, a recent poll in North Carolina predicted a nine-percent chance our next president will be an impish 15-year-old boy who refers to himself as “Deez Nuts.” Hopefully Wisconsin won't sink that low, but let's be honest, it seems like a lot of states have no choice but to sink low in the coming months.

Without overdoing the vigor, I'm a fan of voting—if only because apathy doesn't mean a whole lot and choice at least counts for something. The only other tidbit I have is to avoid conjuring up a candidate whose name is fake and crude. Now, I can't judge anybody because I tend to learn lessons the hard way. The first time I voted, as I peered down at the ballot, I came across an unopposed candidate for Assistant to the County Treasurer's Make-up Lady or whatever the hell it was, and I chose to lend my support to a name I got from The Simpsons: Hugh Jass.

Looking back, that was immature. I dishonored a true tenet of freedom. Plus, Hugh Jass didn't even win. I sure threw my vote away that time!

In an effort to combat those shenanigans, I reestablished contact with my high school guidance counselor Mr. Dinkle, whose outrage on the issue I recalled from my senior class election. (I found him on LinkedIn. As a side-note, he also sells defective bobbleheads during the summer if you're into that.) I told Mr. D that he was right when he spoke out against phony write-ins at that assembly all those years ago. Then I asked him to offer his thoughts on prank-voting. Mr. D agreed. Here's his take on the “Hugh Jass Menace.”

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                                       Mr Dinkle:    

            Thank you, readers of Fond du Lac's Nite Life Ink. Whether you've been drawn to the pictures of attractive young bartenders or you nearsightedly mistook this paper for a copy of Maturity Times, I implore you to read my plea.

            As Nicholas alluded, the 2001 election for school government was a sordid ordeal. Initially, the vice presidency was won by “The Dude,” a hippie long-hair and bad influence from the film The Big Lebowski. “The Dude” was to serve under president “Party Boy.” The look of disappointment I gave that particular student body was nothing compared to the frowns I have expressed to senior classes in recent years. Standards have indeed fallen.

            In my time as guidance counselor and overseer of student government, I have seen phony write-in candidates sully many elections. The fake names keep getting filthier and more difficult to understand. Why, the 2005 class wanted to elect “LeBong James” as their class treasurer. Two years later, they determined that the person most qualified to be class secretary was “Nellie Fartado.” Last year, “Anderson Pooper” was an unstoppable force on ballots until I started to threaten to expel kids.

            Student government functions as a microcosm of governing the world at large, and it's no laughing matter to taunt the virtues of free elections. There is NOTHING funny about voting for a made-up guy named “Bob Unghole,” or a fraudulent floozy named “Ho Malone.” Why, when I was a senior, we'd have tarred and feathered a youth if we caught him casting his vote for “Jimmy Farter.” But nowadays, when I tell hundreds of teen packed into a gym that “'George W. Bush-Muncher' has been disqualified from the running,” the fools hoot and squeal with delight.

            My fellow citizens of this wondrous republic, we must prevent our elections from being corrupted by what Nicholas has boorishly referred to as the “Hugh Jass Menace.” I have lingering nightmares about the announcement I made onstage after the results had been tallied from the class of 2012's election:

            “The search for a new president to lead the student body by example is vital to the success of our school. And whom did you elect by popular vote? 'Mike Hawk.' We asked you to elect a beacon of integrity and your answer was 'Mike Hawk.' Unacceptable. 'Mike Hawk' is an embarrassment!”

            I tried to get through to them, but for some unconscionable reason, they only laughed harder.

            Well, let me tell you something that's not funny at all: I'm tired of telling kids I'm embarrassed by “Mike Hawk.” Whether you're a student at my high school or one of millions whose intent is to help decide the future of our country, I beg you not to entrust your faith in the likes of “Harry Wang,” “Turd Kennedy,” and “Dick Stainy.”

     Consider me a man on a journey to get relief from phony write-in candidates. The journey is much longer than a mere 50 yards. You're probably wondering, “Willy Make-It?” If Nicholas and I get enough support from readers like you, then yes, I will make it. We all will.

            If we work together, regardless of whether a Republican or a Democrat becomes our next president, Americans can feel proud to keep “Governor Gonads” out of their voting booths.

            Patriotically yours,

            Mr. Dinkle