Dad Really Loves His Guns

Jul. 25, 2016
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Bo with his AK-47, AR-15, and two Berettas. (Not pictured: His kids.)

Following a busy stretch of summer highlighted by Father’s Day and the Fourth of July, local dad Bo Van Dam set aside some time with Get Wry to discuss the truly important things in life.

“They’re blessings. They mean the world to me,” Van Dam said. “If I somehow lost them, I’d be a total mess. I don’t know if I could even bring myself to drive to Wal-Mart and buy new guns. The ones I have now feel irreplaceable.”

With his two kids frolicking after a bunny in the Van Dam’s backyard, Bo raised from his lawn chair and reached for his wallet with a twinkle in his eyes.

“Get a load of these pictures,” he said. “Here’s Lita… and this is Damien. He just turned four on Thursday. Unreal. Where does the time go? Sometimes I just want to hold them dearly and plead. Like, ‘Let’s just stay in this moment forever.’ And we never do, of course, but there’s still so much love to treasure... Anyway, they’re both Desert Eagles.”

Bo delights in showing off a picture of Damien

Van Dam’s chest swelled with vigor as he chronicled the names and pictures of 16 other firearms. His mood became anxious as he gazed at his daughters performing wild stunts on a rickety playground set. He was asked how often he fears for their safety.

“All the time,” he said. “Hell, my worst fear is them being taken away from me. But hey, that’s why most nights I lock them up in a gun cabinet.”

When questioned about the safety concerns he might have as a dad and an advocate of the second amendment, Van Dam said the following:

“I tell my kids to stay vigilant. Keep an eye out for anybody who might try to steal daddy’s guns.”

The daughters Van Dam approached their papa to ask if they could help themselves to snacks in the kitchen. He agreed, but reminded them that bedtime was “right around the corner.” He watched them enter the house with a wistful grin.

“You know, it’s the damnedest thing... I forgot to mention my real pride and joy.”

With that he excused himself to the garage and returned with a pair of semi-automatic pistols. He nods at the weapons in his left hand and then his right.

“That’s Pride, and that’s Joy. If I had it my way, these two would always be by my side. Sometimes I just embrace them—so close and snug. And it’s like they know exactly what I’m thinkin’…

“Shit’s real,” he added.  

A source from Get Wry inquired about Van Dam’s two daughters.

“Oh, the young one’s seven and the other’s nine,” Van Dam said. “So, they can pretty well fend for themselves. Hell, they started up a lemonade stand to raise money to buy me a gift card at Fleet Farm for Father’s Day. And I used that gift card to get me this awesome t-shirt!”

Suddenly on the brink of tears, Van Dam declared:

“I couldn’t ask for a better shirt!”

But in no time his fatherly duties reoccurred to him. He dabbed his eyes, exhaled a mighty gust, and gathered his composure before helping his daughters to bed. While the girls brushed their teeth, he opened a gun cabinet to unleash his favorite AR-15, Tammy.

“This is just a Saturday night thing,” he said. “You know, a perk. Some way to say, ‘Hey, you’re special to me.’”

With that he tucked the weapon into bed. As he left the bedroom, he was mindful to step over his daughters, who sleep on the floor Saturday nights.

Some nights they spoon

He let out a yawn and it was clear that Bo’s own weariness was setting in, but rest was a luxury daddy Van Dam could not yet afford. He recalled another task he had to do—one that required great care and nurturing.

“Oops!” he exclaimed. “Almost forgot to give Tammy her oil!”

Bo nurturing Tammy

The daughters Van Dam seemed annoyed when their dad flipped the lights back on as he reemerged in their bedroom to oil up a machine gun, but Bo advised them to “Relax” and “Think about Tammy for a change.”

Minutes later, with Tammy properly oiled, Bo succeeded a second time in not stepping on his daughters as excused himself from their room. He was one exhausted dad, but before we parted ways, he had something he wanted to share.

“Let me show you my Freedom Blanket,” he said.

Bo Van Dam and his Freedom Blanket

On a final note, Bo was asked if he had any advice for other dads.

“I can only say what works for me: Fighting like hell, trying my damnedest, and putting my faith in God.”

Bo raised the shotgun in his right hand to clarify.

“I named this one God,” he said.

Author Nick Olig is the proud owner of two water pistols. He wonders how to go about getting them registered


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