This Election in Sports Analogies

Nov. 4, 2016
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It’s tough to make a living as a writer, and some of us have a knack for making it seem damn-near impossible. Sometimes writing about sports pays more than comedy, and priorities ensue. But if Comedy Sportz has taught us nothing besides the fact that improv wannabes can’t spell, it’s that maybe the two can coexist. And since the election for all our piddling souls draws nigh, why not include politics in that coexistence?

Hence, I’m slinging some sports analogies about politics, and the lowlifes and not-quite-as-lowlifes who perpetrate it all. Plus, I’ll mention the esteemed and delightful Bernie Sanders. God bless that Commie.

1.    Donald Trump is like one of those old-school hockey players without a helmet—out there scrapping and boldly mixing it up. Because Donald Trump is all fucked up in the head.

2.    Hillary Clinton is like Bill Belichick, Head Coach of the Patriots. They’re both successful despite scandals that would sink lesser humans, and when questioned about these scandals—whether they involve leaked emails or spying on the opponents’ practices—these winners respond in a laconic, evasive manner that is maddening. And even though neither will admit it, when the lights go out and naughty thoughts creep in, they both fantasize about sleeping with Tom Brady.

You will NOT be in my dreams tonight, Mr. Brady. Because I like women...Don’t I?!?! 

3.    Hillary’s financial clout has made her the New York Yankees of this election. Trump is like the Mets considering he doesn’t have quite as much money—plus, you know, he’s some asshole from New York, so just go with it. Bernie Sanders had the payroll of a small market team like the Milwaukee Brewers. It’s a landscape of financial inequality straight out of Major League Baseball, to be sure. The Yankees are a safe bet to win. The Mets will be butt-hurt about taking a secondary role, forced to cope with an inferiority complex. And after Election Day, a remorseful nation is going to look back at recent history in dire need of a beer.

4.    Trump is likely to look back at this election and bitch about how it was as rigged as every Wrestlemania he was a part of—including the one where he had a Hair vs. Hair bet with Vince McMahon based on the outcome of a match between Bobby Lashley (with the p-word grabber in his corner) and McMahon’s man Umaga—which scholars maintain was most assuredly rigged.

I mean... Jesus Christ. Seriously. Jesus Christ help America.

5.    Republicans had a dreadful draft class in 2016 that harkens to mind that of the NBA’s class of 2000. (Only three total All-Star appearances were borne out of that awful draft, as we all know.) Things got so bad for the Republicans that they cannibalized each other and in the ghastly aftermath they begrudgingly settled on the tyrant among them who had devoured the most flesh: a debacle of human decency in the form of an orange, oversized peanut—although, to be fair about the “oversized peanut” thing, the man’s hands are extremely tiny.

6.    Ted Cruz is like Bears’ quarterback Jay Cutler. When you look at their faces, I don’t know, it’s just infuriating.

Well. That’s just GREAT… Sigh. Now I need to look at Tom Brady again.

7.    Mike Pence is like NBA legend Larry Bird. When both men tell people they’re from Indiana, they’re getting kind of tired of folks casually responding, “Hey! Birthplace of the KKK, right?”

8.    VP hopeful Tim Kaine is like Toronto Maple Leaf Defenseman Roman Polak. Because I don’t know a damn thing about either one.

9.    Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson’s story about how he “conquered” Mount Everest is like the traditional center-quarterback exchange in football: Awkwardly sexual.

10. Green Party candidate Jill Stein’s has an idealistic plan to eliminate the student loan debt that’s keeping down aspiring writers who work as janitors at a cheese factory and the like. Her pledge is as lofty as Bucks’ president Peter Feigin stating that he wants the Bucks to be as meaningful to the state of Wisconsin as the Packers are. Both aspirations are appealing, yet unlikely. But I’d love to be wrong! Support your up-and-coming Bucks! Embrace the high ceiling of this young, talented group. That probably matters more than voting for Jill Stein because she won’t get elected anyway.

Dammit, I love the slam dunk. It’s just so cool. Don't overthink it.

11.  Once upon a time, maybe voting Republican seemed like the Christian thing to do. Ex-President George W. Bush prays regularly to the same God that star quarterback Russell Wilson does, and they both achieved their wildest dreams. And then Mit Romney was like Tim Tebow: Both smiling, God-fearing men with religious convictions who didn’t quite get everything they’d dreamed of, yet remained pious. Now, in the case of these Syrian refugees, What Would Jesus Do? Show them mercy, kindness, and a safe asylum, give them food, and turn the other cheek should they ever attack, I’d wager. But that no longer matters if those same Right-Wingers are begging for answers in this confusing life by asking, “What Would Trump Do?” Uh-oh! I’m calling bullshit. All hail, Ginger Demon.

12.  Trump running for president with no political experience whatsoever is like me applying for the job of Head Coach of the Packers. From Pop Warner to high school to college to the pros, I assure you that I’ve never coached football at any level, not even as an assistant. But I’d be the best Head Coach. I’d also build a wall along the border of Minnesota so they couldn’t sneak a jealous peek into our incredible state. Hell, I’d even make the Vikings pay for it and wear a dumbass hat to cover my receding hairline when it’s windy.

13.  When Bernie intimated that the capitalist system could benefit from reforms meant to treat the widening gap between the rich and the poor that adversely affects most of us, you just knew that guy wanted to be President so that he could have the government design a time machine that would allow him to travel back to the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid and go Tanya Harding on the kneecaps of our best hockey players to ensure victory for Mother Russia, thus ruining the Miracle on Ice. 

14.  Really, Bernie’s like Billy Beane, General Manager of the Oakland Athletics, protagonist of Moneyball—a contrarian-thinker operating on a lesser budget who had a strong, inspiring run against improbable odds, same as the A’s in 2002. In the end, they both lost. 

15.  America is like Michael Jordan—when he played for the Wizards. You know the meme.

Also, to be fair...

It's still real to me, dammit!

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