Put Some Lead in Your Pencil

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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, for those who think voter suppression is not a thing, I got news for you’s. Just the other day, I received from a high friend in a place a copy of a literacy test with math that Republicans would like to shove up your blue heinie by November 2020 in all Democratic districts and states that went donkey in 2016. To be able to cast your ballot, you’d have to pass this test.

So, let’s see how you’d do if these GOP jags can get this passed. And so you know, I am not responsible for any of the content below. I simply pass this verbatim information I received on to you ’cause a well-informed public knows an ass in the Oval Office from a hole in the ground, what the fock.

Your 2020 Electoral Literacy Test

A simple farmer was on his way to market with 11.23 dozen eggs when the 1963 light-green Dodge pickup truck he was driving had a flat tire, which caused him to lose control of the truck, whose odometer read 116,746 miles, and land in a ditch at the side of the road.

Discovering that he had no spare tire and that 2.76 dozen of the eggs were damaged, the simple farmer loaded the remaining good eggs into his wheelbarrow and walked 4.6 miles to the nearest town where he planned to board an eastbound train that would take him to market.

While pushing his wheelbarrow toward the nearest hamlet, which would be quaintly nestled in the gently rolling hills like a bead of perspiration upon the breast of a 10 a.m. dancer at a 24-hour gentlemen’s establishment, the simple farmer recalled the events of the evening before he departed on his journey:

He and his wife were lying in bed; she was knitting and he was perusing the latest issue of Farmer’s Weekly. He looked up from the page and said, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”

The farmer’s wife looked at him wistfully and said, “Oh, really. Would you care to prove it?” The farmer said, “It’s late, but I can certainly try.” So, he got out of bed and walked out into the farmyard leaving his wife rather confused.

He returned 90 minutes later, tired and disheveled, and said to her, “OK, here’s what I know. I’m sure the cow and goose didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can I tell?”

At 11:43 a.m., the simple farmer boarded a train that would travel from Natchez to Mobile at 35 mph, and then from Memphis to St. Joe at 37.8 mph. While crossing over the Mississippi River, the train derailed. The simple farmer—and 6.23 dozen of the eggs—survived but found himself on an apparently deserted island except for a friendly dog.

After a few days, he decided to reconnoiter the island, and discovered that the only other inhabitants, besides him and the dog, were a flock of 18 sheep. He recalled how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he promised himself that he’d never be that desperate.

But he couldn’t get those sheep out of his mind, and a few days later he was sneaking up on the flock and just as he was about to pounce, the dog grabbed his leg and wouldn’t let go. The simple farmer came to his senses and thanked the dog for preventing him from making a fool of himself. But this same scene happened every night for a couple, three, and he had become quite irritated and frustrated with the dog.

It was then that he spied a life raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft was a beautiful woman barely alive. He took her back to his shelter, revived and nursed her to health. After several days, the woman was feeling fine and that evening a rush of gratitude swept over her and she said to the simple farmer, “I owe you my life, and I’ll do anything you desire.” And he said, “That’s fabulous. So, you think you could hold on to that dog for about 15 minutes?”

And then, after 27 days, 14 hours, 51 minutes and 16 seconds, the simple farmer was rescued and finally made his way to market.

Now, in order to cast your ballot in this election, you must answer three questions:

1. Which of the following may be easier to find than a black white-supremacist Republican:

• Jimmy focking Hoffa

• Life on Pluto

• A lover-done-me-wrong country-western song with lyrics by Spinoza

• Reasonable and rational hospital costs

• A rabbi named Abdul

• An Irish guy who says, “No thanks, I think I’ve had enough”

• The passage, “What the fock,” somewhere, anywhere, in the New Testament

1. How many eggs did the simple farmer in the story above have left to sell at the market and what was the license plate number of his pickup truck?
2. What is the Dutch philosopher Spinoza’s first name?

So there you go, and now no matter what it takes, you just got to get out there and vote, wherever and whenever, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.