Publisher's note: I want to introduce you to a great new addition to the Shepherd. This week, the Shepherd Express is welcoming an advice column called “On the Couch.”
The name refers to the author’s profession; she is a professional therapist with advanced degrees, decades of experience and, much like the psychologists and psychiatrists seen in movies and on television, a couch in her office. She is well versed in addressing the problems and anxieties of her Milwaukee clients—people not unlike you, our readers.
“On the Couch” will be published every other week and feature answers to questions from readers on subjects ranging from tangled relationships and sexual conundrums to this week’s topic: What to do at a potentially politically divisive holiday get-together with the family?
“On the Couch” will be entertaining and unpretentious as well as a source of wisdom and insight in an age of distraction and confusion.
Louis G. Fortis
Publisher and Editor-in-Chief
Help! The holidays are here, and I’m dreading the obligatory visit with my extended family. Don’t get me wrong, I like them for the most part, but last year the conversations revolved around the election, and many of them voted differently than I did. I had to over-indulge to keep myself from telling them all to go to hell. As if the hangover the next morning wasn’t bad enough, I stayed pissed and hurt about it for weeks. Any tips on how to survive?
– So Over It
Dear So Over It,
For some folks “home for the holidays” is more like a trip to the seventh circle of hell, even in the best of times. These days, however, the ordinary stresses of the annual get together with people you don’t spend a lot of time with otherwise can quickly go nuclear (no pun intended, but if the shoe fits…) if the discussion veers into current events.
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Somehow when people share the label of “family” they feel it gives them license to say whatever, whenever—without regard for how it might make others feel; after all, “We’re family,” and as such are in each other’s world ’til death do us part, right? It’s one thing to engage in a spirited debate about political or cultural differences with people who are good listeners and attempt to see the world from your eyes and vice versa. Unfortunately, that’s become the exception rather than the norm.
You may need a “Holiday Survival Tool Kit.” So, here you go:
• Try to make it a “politics-free zone”
If anyone else had issues with last year’s vibe, they might be feeling the same way and be willing to set the tone. Failing that (or if you are really the lone liberal in a sea of conservatives, or vice versa), you can decide for your own sweet self that you won’t take the bait and get into a sparring match with your blowhard uncle who seems bent on convincing you that you’re wrong and just haven’t seen the error of your ways. (This is probably where that next glass of wine entered last year.)
So, how do you do that? First of all, rehearse ahead of time. You probably know who the worst offenders are, so try to minimize your contact with them. Have a standard line ready to go and repeat it as often as necessary to shift the conversation, such as, “Let’s not go there, ok?” or “Yep, I know that’s what you think, thanks for reminding me,” or “Well, you know I don’t agree with you on that but, hey, it’s Christmas, I’m taking a day off from that sort of thing. Can I get you another eggnog?” Whatever you do, don’t engage; it’s not worth it.
• Find a buffer
If you are with a partner or pal, make a plan to not stray too far from each other. Or hang around the other “black sheep” at the party; there’s safety in numbers.
• When in doubt, take a break
There’s always the bathroom. A splash of cold water on your face and a few deep breaths can work wonders. Same with a quick walk outside. “Hey, Rover looks like he needs to go potty; I’ll take him.” And while you’re out there, text a friend with a few scream emojis. It’ll make you feel better.
• Imbibe
There’s the old liquid fallback, but remember last year’s hangover? The last thing you need is the 2 a.m. wine sweats, so be judicious in your consumption.
• Focus on the Positives
If you want to be really spiritually evolved about it, decide to focus on one thing you like about each person in the room, one by one. You can do this quietly, in your own mind, while all of the ruckus is ensuing around you. It’s easy to focus on the things that drive you crazy about somebody because the negative stuff is so loud and showy. Switch your mental channel to the things you feel grateful for—even the fact that you have this motley, imperfect bunch of characters to call your own.
Problems? Questions? Send them to onthecouch@shepex.com.
On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional.
