Dear Shrink,
A month ago, I was totally blindsided and dumped by a partner I’ve been with for more than a year. She said she wanted to focus more on her job, etc., and that it’s not about me. Now she keeps contacting me and asking why we can’t just “hang out.” I’ve told her I have no interest in that and don’t trust her anymore, but she doesn’t get it. How can I get her to leave me alone?
The Shrink Replies,
She’s the one who arbitrarily decided to break up, but she’s initiating contact and pestering you? That’s pretty crazy-making. I guess it’s OK for her to change the rules, but she wants you to play by them based on her emotional whims. Good for you for taking her breakup pronouncement seriously and trying not to waffle just because she wants to hang out. You need some time to adjust to the loss, but she knows just how to push your buttons to get you to let your guard down and connect, even though you’re determined to stay strong.
When relationships end, even in an ambush like this, there probably were warning signs that this was coming. When faced with people who say one thing but do another, we tend to believe what we most want to believe. She may have been pushing you away or sabotaging things for a while, but we often rationalize away unpleasant things, so we don’t have to face the icky truth about a given situation. What’s your strategy? Please ponder these points:
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• Do a “post-mortem.” By this, I mean a retrospective list of the ups and downs of your relationship. We can often see things in the rearview mirror that we couldn’t see when they were happening in front of us. See if you can find your blind spots.
Every relationship, even the lousiest of them, is at least 1% good. Yours may have been more than 1% good since she wants to stay connected, and you are leaving the door open by responding. Even though you say you aren’t interested, you’re sending a mixed message to her, too. If, after the autopsy, you determine that the relationship is indeed dead and needs to stay that way, you have to start treating it like a corpse.
• Get stronger about setting boundaries. Tell her again, firmly, that it’s too hard for you to be just friends (with or without benefits) because you’re hurt, disappointed, angry, etc. Why would you continue to put yourself on the path of someone who no longer wants you there—except for “sometimes” and on her own terms? Even though you might feel lonely or miss her, those aren’t good reasons to continue the charade that this can be a healthy relationship.
Who knows what it’s really about—dependency, denial, fear of intimacy on both of your parts? There are lots of possibilities. But if it’s not the kind of relationship you want, stay away for the sake of your sanity.
• How do you remove yourself for good? Know, within your own heart and mind, that the old relationship is over, and a new one, if you choose it at some point, can’t be built on the old foundation. Now isn’t the time to decide that. Some people are able to be friends with their exes, but it takes time for the wounds of confusion and betrayal to heal.
It’s definitely not a decision that should be made on a whim, in a weak moment or based on emotion vs. thoughtful consideration. For now, block her number, shut down your social media contact with her, do whatever it takes to keep her out of sight, which can help you keep her out of mind.
The bottom line is that break-ups suck. Whether you’re the dumper or the dumped, the clumsiness and drama of an unhappy ending always feels bad. The jagged edges of this uncoupling may continue to poke you for a bit longer until the new normal settles in.
Nobody dies from a broken heart; beginnings and endings are part of the organic path of all relationships. While you’re healing your weary heart and mind, try to take stock of what happened and what things to remember for the next time around. Remember, it takes two. All you can do is bring your best self to the next relationship and hope for a happier trajectory.
On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care.
Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
