Is it Rude Not to Respond to a Text?

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Reader Question

Am I too sensitive? The primary way I communicate with people is by texting or social media. I rarely talk on the phone or email anymore. It really bugs me when I have to wait a long time for a response to a question or, sometimes, get no reply at all. In those cases, I think people are being rude or ignoring me. How can I get these people to be better responders without getting irritable and snarky with them?

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The preponderance of options for communicating these days is both amazing and daunting, but not everyone has the same communication style. In fact, despite the number of ways people can choose to connect, people still end up missing each other altogether or revert to old-school ways like actually making a phone call. Sometimes there’s just no substitute for hearing the voice of a friend. But texting and social media posts are quick, easy ways to connect in real-time, and it’s easy to see why they’ve become the preferred mode of communication for many.

However, not everyone might be as “glued” to their cellphone as you are (no judgment; that’s just the way you roll), so it’s guaranteed that you will be disappointed in the timeliness of responses, which seems important to you. Sure, it’s frustrating to find that other people don’t share your preference, but you’re interpreting this as a personal affront. It’s not. Remember the old saying, “different strokes for different folks”?

Here are some things to consider:

• Yes, you probably are too sensitive. A general rule of thumb in life is to not take things personally, but for most of us, that’s nearly impossible to do. Nevertheless, jumping to conclusions and making assumptions or judgments about others when you don’t get the snappy responses you’d like only results in you making yourself miserable and cranky. Your pals are just being themselves. No harm intended. Really, 99% of the time it’s not about you.

• What about that 1% of the time when your worries might actually be legitimate—those times when your intuition tells you maybe it really is about you? In that case, your best bet is to ask. Have a real-time, actual conversation (in person or on the phone, not in writing) with the “offender.” Find out if they’re just not into texting, if they prefer to wait for a convenient time to reply—and then forget to, or if it truly was something you said and they actually did choose to ignore you. In any event, clear the air about your irritation and let them, and yourself, off the resentment hook by clarifying.

• Don’t forget that even people who share your favorite ways of communicating have different styles. For example, a response of “OK” to a text question could mean “OK…yes!!” or “OK…resigned sigh.” There’s loads of room for misunderstanding, misinterpretation, hurt feelings, etc. when you can’t see a face or hear an inflection. So we make it up, and sometimes we get it wrong. Some people are one-word answerers, while others will write several paragraphs. If you’re unsure about the feeling behind a response, check it out. (There’s also an emoji for every purpose!)

• Using social media sites to connect and communicate is great for things that are not time-sensitive or of critical importance. Posting about the great time you had at your sister’s wedding is one thing, but letting people know that you’ve been diagnosed with a serious illness is quite another. (Believe me, this happens!) I understand the temptation to go for expediency—to get a message out to as many people as possible as efficiently as possible. But use the modality that best matches the response you’d like to get. Whatever you’re sharing, decide if you want feedback or support from your 746 Facebook friends or your four soulmate-friends. Choose your audience and then adjust your expectations.

The bottom line is to stick to what you want to accomplish—which is simply the exchange of information. Make an effort to not paint all of your social contacts with a broad brush in terms of how to interact with them. If you pay closer attention to how people respond rather than stay stuck on the reply you are or aren’t getting from them, you can tailor your communication mode more precisely. Just because you got Grandma an iPhone for her birthday doesn’t mean she’s going to follow you on Instagram. She still wants to hear your actual voice on her landline!

If you really have something to say to (or need to hear from) someone, I’m confident you’ll find the shortest distance between those points. In the long run, by being more flexible yourself, you’ll find yourself losing that snarky attitude and being a little more patient with the quirks and preferences of others. And, in turn, you’ll be someone others find a bit easier to connect with.

On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care. Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.