Ten years ago, I was date-raped. I never told anyone because I was drunk when it happened and blamed myself. I still have flashbacks of that night, but I try to put it out of my mind. I’m engaged to a great guy who really loves me, but sometimes he does things that set me off and remind me of the assault. I lash out at him and he has no idea why. I’m afraid I’m going to drive him away if I can’t get a grip on this. What should I do?
The Shrink Replies
Thank you for feeling brave enough to share your experience. You are, unfortunately, far from alone. The recent Brett Kavanaugh U.S. Supreme Court hearings have ignited a firestorm of stories like yours, often being told for the first time by women who have felt encouraged and inspired by the testimony of Christine Blasey-Ford. Conversely, the blowback of personal attacks she has encountered feels like a giant step back for survivors, and it is devastating for assault victims to witness. Compassionate observers can’t help but feel horrified by the insults, mocking and discrediting we’ve seen Blasey-Ford thus far endure.
If this is information you’ve carried for 10 years, how did you come to feel you could reveal it? My guess is that Blasey-Ford’s story has affected you, and that there’s safety in anonymity, which is why you’ve chosen this venue to take a baby step out of your secret. However, you’re on the brink of starting a new life with a man you love, and you need to consider whether you want to bring this secret into your marriage.
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Here are some things to consider before you tie the knot.
Tell your story to one trusted person in your life.
Choose a friend or anyone you think could hear your story and supportively respond to how it’s impacted you. If this feels too close and scary, call a sexual assault/domestic violence hotline and talk, anonymously, to a skilled listener. Will telling your story make it go away? Sadly, no. But simply speaking it out loud helps bring it out of the secrecy zone in your head and heart and allows you to move it one step away from continuing to create havoc in your life. Many survivors have found that others have an unrevealed story of their own to tell: #metoo, #whyididntreport. Knowing you’re not alone is powerful, and the power of this movement for survivors is critical to transforming our increasingly divisive cultural climate.
Tell a therapist.
Having intrusive memories and replaying the event in your head is awful. There are some proven techniques, though, that can help you integrate this traumatic experience in a way that gives you a sense of control over the information versus having hard memories pop up randomly, triggered by some innocent remark or gesture by your partner or by reading the latest news. Search for a therapist who specializes in trauma or is trained in EMDR (a well-researched and proven modality for dealing with traumatic memories).
Tell your partner.
You’re about to commit to a man who you want to believe will support you and have your back until death do you part. Don’t you think it would be important to know if he’s truly that loving and understanding guy who can hear your life-changing story and respond to it in a way that makes you feel validated? If you’re worried that he’ll judge or blame you—as you have judged and blamed yourself—now would be the time to find that out and determine if you need some coaching on how to integrate this important life event into your relationship. You don’t want to drive him away with your seemingly irrational behavior, so giving him the backstory of what informs your sometimes weird reactions to things he does will be helpful to both of you.
Survivors, by definition, figure out a way to survive, and you’ve been busy—consciously and unconsciously—managing this information in private for a long time. It takes great bravery and resilience to keep on living when an assault on your body, mind and soul stuns and numbs you. And now, all the media reports about the ridicule and dismissal of sexual assault survivors, as well as the politicizing of an extremely personal issue, only intensifies the distress.
Summon a new level of bravery and start sharing your story. Figure out how to own it in a different way, so you don’t go on feeling that this trauma owns you. The saying “speak truth to power” applies here; bringing your story, your truth, out of hiding can be liberating.
On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care. Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
