Antonio_Diaz Getty Images/iStockphoto
When contemplating a challenging or emotionally risky conversation, many of us undercut the potential for a positive outcome by focusing too much on what’s obvious—the words. “I can’t seem to find the right way to say it,” a client named Rita told me, referencing an upcoming discussion with her partner about their faltering relationship.
“Words matter, but tough talks also benefit by focusing on context,” I suggested.
In this regard, context comes down to two primary elements; the physical setting and how that influences mindset. Research shows the physical environment can make a substantial impact on the moods and attitudes people experience during difficult conversations. In turn, the initial mindset each person brings to the exchange either improves or undercuts chances for a constructive outcome. Often, one or both parties to the pending discussion can intentionally manage some of these contextual elements so they work in their favor.
“Where are you planning on having this conversation?” I asked Rita.
“We usually have our serious talks at the kitchen table,” she replied.
Kitchen Table Fire Fight
Many of those prior discussions, it turns out, were testy, which made attention to context all the more important. Subconsciously, we associate places with emotional states that occurred while we were in them. These locales, including the sights, sounds and even scents they convey, can become “triggers” that subliminally catalyze past emotions. Because, previously, Rita and her partner engaged in some emotional firefights over the kitchen table, that setting was populated with several triggering stimuli likely to undermine future discussions.
Stay on top of the news of the day
Subscribe to our free, daily e-newsletter to get Milwaukee's latest local news, restaurants, music, arts and entertainment and events delivered right to your inbox every weekday, plus a bonus Week in Review email on Saturdays.
I asked Rita to describe her yard, and then suggested she and her partner conduct their difficult conversation on the deck, which was shaded by a large maple tree. In fact, I often recommend that people in families and romantic pairings who must have a tough talk do so outdoors, and, ideally, under a tree. Why? Several reliable studies show that being close to trees improves mental well-being and reduces stress. Also, there is growing anecdotal evidence from eco-therapists (shrinks who use nature interaction as` therapy) that difficult conversations yield more positive outcomes when conducted in a natural setting. Many studies show as little as ten minutes in green space elevates mood, decreases stress hormones and slows the agitation and hurry sickness that often trigger emotional hijacking. This creates a more positive mindset, elevating the chances a discussion, even a difficult one, will yield the best possible result.
Another couple I counseled took a somewhat different approach to managing the context of their tough talks. When I discovered they held very similar tastes in music and reported several mutual favorite songs, I suggested they play these tunes in the background prior to and during their difficult discussions. Why? There is research showing people who listen to mutually gratifying music together activate the mirror neurons in their brains, catalyzing a high degree of rapport. Basically, they get on the same wavelength neurologically, an actual meeting of the minds that increases the odds they will feel more togetherness and less emotional distance during a tough talk.
Words Do Matter
I’m not suggesting words don’t matter. A step-by-step method for crafting the best terminology during taxing conversations is available via an approach called “crucial conversations.” An online search of that term will yield books and other resources in this regard. However, in the absence of positive contextual support, language is usually insufficient to overcome gnarly emotions triggered by negatively charged physical environments.
In coaching folks on handling difficult conversations, behavioral scientists focus heavily on the personal components of communication, including word choice, vocal tone, gestures, facial expressions and other elements of so-called body language. And they should. Nonetheless, if we overlook the environmental variables that influence the moods and mindsets of individuals during a tough talk, these behavioral tactics alone may prove inadequate.
Yes, it matters how you say it. However, it also matters where you say it.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
To read more Out of My Mind columns by Philip Chard, click here.
