So, how are you getting along with the person you spend the most time with?
That’s you, by the way. Regardless of who else populates your existence, there is one you interact with virtually every waking moment, and the nature of that relationship—the one with yourself—is critical to your overall well-being.
At face value, this suggests we are all multiple personalities. After all, if there is a relationship between you and you, that implies there’s more than one self residing in your psyche. Absent a case of multiple personality disorder, that is not literally true, but it is valid to a point.
Each of us harbors several facets of the self commonly referred to as “personas.” There is an entire psychotherapeutic approach based on dealing with this multiplicity, one called “parts work.” Regardless, few of us are of one mind, as evidenced by the back-and-forth discussions we conduct through our incessant self-talk.
This phenomenon is apparent in expressions like “inner critic” and “inner child,” among others. These aspects of self each assume a distinct attitudinal posture and role in your internal dialogue. Of particular interest is the persona referred to as the “observer,” the one who remains a bit outside the fray between the other facets of self, as if watching from a mental distance. It is your observer self that remains best positioned to recognize how well you get along with yourself.
There are insight-oriented practices that help us better connect with and mentally occupy the observer self. These include cognitive behavioral therapy, awareness-focused meditation, journaling and the like. Once seated in this psychological observation post, we acquire a clearer sense for how our various personas are treating one another. Some will emerge as clear friends of the overarching self, while others may seem its adversaries. In pursuing this kind of insight, many feel surprised or even shocked at how the not-so-friendly personas speak to the larger self, as proved true for Winston.
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“I’ve got a nasty voice in there,” he told me. “It takes every opportunity to criticize me, and it can get pretty ugly.” Inner critics are a common type of persona. Particularly among folks who grew up in judgmental environments, or those with a perfectionistic bent, this facet of self may prove the loudest and most verbose of one’s various parts. Another frequent flyer in this regard is the “inner cynic,” sort of an internalized Eeyore of “Winnie the Pooh” fame. This persona enjoys popping any bubbles of hope and optimism that percolate into awareness. Another ubiquitous voice is the “inner overlord,” an aspect of self that relishes giving orders and whose favorite words are “should” and “shouldn’t.”
These personas, and others like them, are not your friends. Granted, sometimes we deserve self-criticism, particularly when behaving in ways contrary to our stated values, but, absent malicious intent, mistakes are learning experiences (“fall forward”) rather than grounds for 20 lashes.
As Winston demonstrated, the first step in addressing this conundrum involves recognizing when the inner adversary is squawking. Often, these self-defeating personas drone on in the background of one’s awareness, so once on your mental radar, the opportunity to intervene emerges.
“Instead of trying to shut up your inner critic, I’d suggest investing in an alternative voice that is your friend,” I told Winston. “It’s like a buddy who has your back when dealing with a bully.”
By intentionally cultivating an “inner friend” persona, we alter the relationship with ourselves. Much like interjecting a supportive, reasonable and positive person into a dysfunctional work team, the dynamics shift. Now, when Winston’s inner critic begins carping, he simply asks himself, “What would my best friend say to me about this?” He then summons his inner friend to play that part.
Gradually, as this friendly and supportive persona grows stronger, the adversarial or disrespectful ones quiet down.
There are people out there who care about you. Be one of them.
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