To lifelong Jordan fans, this was not news. Hefamously hated Isiah Thomas so much that he personally lobbied to keep him offthe 1992 Olympic Dream Team. He reportedly had teammate Steve Kerr removed fromhis basketball camp's coaching staff after Kerr beat him at a game of pool. Heallegedly cheated on his ex-wife with scores of women. The verdict? Yeah,probably an asshole.
But this wasn't really the issue. What was actuallyat stake was this: Michael Jordan, always an elusive and mysterious figure,delivered an honest and self-indulgent speech that showed a side that manyhadn't seen. He was more than just a jump shot and a wagging tongue, more thana handsome prop to move sneakers and man-panties. He was a celebrity who hadclearly transcended sport, giving people a glimpse into his brain. And manypeople didn't like what they saw.
The role of athletes as mass-consumed celebritieshas always featured the faint scent of unfair scrutiny. Athletes are reveredfor their physical prowess, adored and lionized by pathetic people like me whofollow their every move. However, for every athlete who successfully stepsoutside the athletic arena into mainstream mediatry to name five, I dareyouthere are scores of athletes who put their toes in the big media pool andare met with disaster and scorn. Remember Magic Johnson's short-lived talk show“The Magic Hour”? Or the immediately canceled Barry Bonds reality show “Bondson Bonds”? Or the unintentionally hilarious rap albums by Shaq, Allen Iverson,Deion Sanders, Ron Artest and Kobe Bryant? Or Reggie Theus, the NBA basketballplayer who retired at age 34 to pursue a modeling career?
The fact is that, for all the love they are shown onthe field, athletes who act above their perceived station are almostuniversally unsuccessful, either because 1) the public isn't willing to viewthem as anything other than ciphers who exist only for our couch-boundamusement, or 2) they are comically untalented at any activity that doesn'trequire a ball. And, if I were to venture a guess, I'd say it's probably somecocktail of the two.
All of this is important, because thus far 2009 hasbeen a banner year for athletes looking to break from their role as meresportsmen. Consider the following sequence of events, all of which haveoccurred in the last year:
n TerrellOwens, NFL home-wrecker extraordinaire, starred in VH1's “The T.O. Show,” wherehe limped through seven dreadful episodes of watching TV, eating cereal andgenerally acting totally uninterested in everything. A ratings disaster, itnarrowly edged out the 5 a.m. showing of “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” on TBS.
n StephonMarbury, once a marquee NBA point guard, broadcast his daily life 24 hours aday for several weeks on Justin.tv. He was seen doing such engrossingactivities as eating Vaseline, crying like a child, and dancing arrhythmicallyfor many uncomfortable minutes at a time.
n MichaelStrahan, the NFL's single-season record holder for quarterback sacks, currentlystars on the FOX sitcom “Brothers.” He portrays a retired NFL lineman, adheringto the unwritten rule that athletes are only permitted to act as long as theyare depicting an athlete, a coach, or a 7-foot-tall genie.
n On Oct.27, as millions of Americans use their 401(k) paperwork as papier-mâché for aHalloween piñata, NFL wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco will be high-stepping andmiddle-fingering his way onto TheNew York Times best-seller list as hereleases his autobiography, titled succinctly, Ocho Cinco. This is the illuminating story you didn't know youweren't waiting to hear, about an over-publicized and under-stimulated athlete,who, in his own words, “love(s) me some me.” You'll read about his “sweet-asscars” and his “huge-ass house.” And that's just in the first two paragraphs.
And these are just the well-publicized examples.There have also been reports that LeBron James is in talks to star in a movie(not to be confused with the documentary about him, released in early October),and you can also be certain that no fewer than five unbearable realityshows/albums/autobiographies are already in the hopper, with at least onefollowing renowned canine enthusiast Michael Vick.
It's an indisputable fact that athletes qualify ascelebrities; they are instantly recognizable to people who don't know thempersonally, they are given free stuff for no reason, and people want to sleepwith them for no other reason than that they can say to their friends, “Hey,you smell that? That's Ryan Braun.” But celebrity is a fleeting thing; peopleonly like you for as long as they don't actively hate you, and this certainlyapplies to anyone who mistakes the clearly defined adoration of a sports fanfor a blanket acceptance of all misguided acts of jackass hubris. It wasMichael Vick, remember, who responded to suggestions of fan backlash by statingbluntly, “People love Mike Vick.”
When dealing with exposure to a fickle public, lessis usually more, as elusive celebrity-athletes like Jordan and Tiger Woods havesuccessfully shown. If Terrell Owens and his ubiquitous brethren can learnanything from this, it's that celebrity is essentially just an illusion, and inthe here-today/gone-tomorrow world of the 24-hour news cycle, the illusion isthat people honestly care about the daily thoughts and events of your charmedexistence.
Better, perhaps, to save those thoughts for yourHall of Fame acceptance speech, or for season two of “The T.O. Show,” whichevercomes last.
