A couple months ago, without a clue how soon the icon would be gone, I wrote a piece that was inspired by Prince. Specifically, one of his many, many great songs: "I Wanna be Your Lover.” Characteristic of the man’s savvy with the fairer sex, it strikes me as the perfect male/ female counterpart to the Spice Girls' "If You Wannabe My Lover." Now, I don't have a degree in Prince/Spice Girls Studies, but I think I faked it somewhat convincingly, and I hope I can do my part to honor a true artist. Rest in Purple, Prince.
There's a trite expression about women that goes, “Can't live with them, can't live without them,” and the opposite has probably been said of men, but either way it's a futile complaint. We give in to bodily pleasure and companionship roughly 98.9% of the time, and when it comes to owning that desire, fools like me could use a few words of advice.
Desire is a powerful force that men and women express in contrasting ways. The differences can be confusing, sometimes maddening, but relief of the confusion is out there, in the soundwaves, for instance. Singles from 1979 and 1996 have already taught us about as much as we’re ever going to know. In a triumph of funk over disco, Prince once pronounced “I Wanna be Your Lover,” and later the Spice Girls exploded into shopping malls and pop culture with “If You Wannabe My Lover” (which we'll call “Wannabe” from now on, since that is its proper title, although I did nail the chorus). These two hits speak volumes about the courting process from masculine and feminine points of view, and it's no coincidence that even the names of the artists imply gender.
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The dual nature of pursuit and protection is exemplified by these songs. Prince strives to overcome the gauntlet the Spice Girls have laid down. It’s a contest of desire and defense, volition vs. vetting. If all goes well enough, ultimately both sides crave a win-win, but only one wants an easy victory. What’s inside women is the boss and the countless applicants might as well be a horde of semen squirming for a hero’s welcome inside that glorious egg.
Starting with the male perspective, let’s break down the dueling wannabes by putting Prince and the Spice Girls under the microscope in the heat of mating season.
“I Wanna be Your Lover” begins with some irresistible funk strumming before Prince declares: “I ain't got no money.” Where opening lines are concerned, he's off to a shaky start, but at least he's honest. Give Prince a chance to elaborate. You won't regret it.
Perhaps it’s hard to imagine a man who has sold over a hundred million records being broke, but the earliest work of Prince Rogers Nelson barely charted. (In his first contract with Warner Bros., he sacrificed pay in favor of creative control and also ran up an exorbitant bill as a perfectionist in the studio, which likewise cost him money for a so-so debut.) “Lover” was therefore written at a time when his financial future was in question, years before Purple Rain ensured he'd always have enough cash to pay for flowers and dinner at a nice restaurant (or else a fucking roller coaster).
The artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince has more declarations: “I ain't like those other guys you hang around.” He seems pretty declarative. Assertive, even.
“And it's kinda funny,” he continues. “But they always seem to let you down.” Most men are disappointments. Ha! Not this alley cat, though, and even if his sense of humor has some quirks, he gets “discouraged” 'cause he never sees you anymore. He just wants to look into your eyes and listen when he asks how your day went. “And I need your love, babe.” In addition to the listening thing, if you eventually feel like touching his penis, that'd be great. “That's all I'm living for,” Prince confides. He's an emotional risk, and a passionate one at that.
“I didn’t want to pressure you baby,” he claims. “But all I ever wanted to do…”
Then comes the chorus, which has compelled so much intercourse that the Census Bureau now recognizes it as a key factor in population growth.
“I wanna be your lover
I wanna be the only one that makes you come running
I wanna be your lover
I wanna turn you on, turn you out, all night long. Make you shout, ‘Oh Lover!’
I wanna be the only one you come for.”
This hook is an essential part of Prince’s guide to getting lovers: He puts the emphasis on his singularity. He boasts an exclusive appeal. With determination to match that of the winning sperm swimmer, he’s obsessed with claiming success so pure he refuses to share it.
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The second verse finds Prince aspiring to be 1.) a brother, 2.) a mother, and 3.) a sister to his romantic interest. His eccentricities resurface and his feminine side becomes apparent. He’s not a man’s man. He’s a ladies’ man who can capture that rare dynamic of confidence and vulnerability.
“There ain’t no other that can do the things that I’ll do to you,” he reiterates. “And I get discouraged ‘cause you treat me just like a child.” Here Prince triggers the mothering instinct, in case there was any doubt about him covering all his bases.
“And they say I’m so shy,” he admits near the end of the verse. “But with you I just go wild.” The Purple Rain Man makes his sweetheart feel special; she has an enchanting effect on his willpower and sex drive.
Men can learn a lot from “I Wanna be Your Lover.” No one is obligated to enjoy Prince’s music (though I’d rather not be lame), but anyone with an appreciation for the female form can at least Google his ex-girlfriends. Short, kooky, Chihuahua-like men are not supposed to bed Kim Basinger and Carmen Electra… not until they’re able to write a song like this to take down throngs of panties.
On the Spice Girls’ end of the spectrum, I think it’s fair to say that what “Wannabe” lacked in artistry it made up for in mass appeal. In 1996, the ubiquitous slogan “Girl Power” became both a marketing machine and a vanilla nod to progress. Though many Spice fanatics had recently passed through an Elmo phase, the single is embedded in pop-culture history. I expect to see women flood the dancefloor for “Wannabe” at every wedding reception I go to, and that’s a beautiful, nostalgic thing to behold (once or twice a year, tops).
Like a lot of pop sensations, the Spice Girls were assembled by talent managers in search of both the next big thing and a shitload of money. Once the proper Spice Girls were found, popularity and wealth ensued. After they prevailed over hundreds of competitors in a series of auditions, Melanie Brown, Melanie Chrisholm, Victoria Beckham nee Adams, Emma Bunton, and Geri Haliwell became the quintet of Scary, Sporty, Posh, Baby, and the one who must have caused an uproar at the Legion of Redheads: Ginger. Sure, the Spice Girls acted like luscious and peppy cheerleaders, but in truth, they also had something in common with an elite starting-five in basketball: they were assembled, coached, and managed into a winning combination.
The Spice Girls have sold over 80 million albums, the most ever by a female group. Their debut album Spice accounted for 30 million of those sales, and “Wannabe” was the lead single, the first and mightiest of their hits. Their formal introduction to the world’s airwaves was a gargantuan wallop of pop infectiousness:
“Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want
So tell me what you want, what you really really want
I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want
So tell me what you want, what you really really want
I wanna (huh), I wanna (huh), I wanna (huh), I wanna (huh)
I wanna really really wanna zigazig-ah!”
It’s a spirited pep rally chant that builds intrigue until the revelation “zigazig-ah,” which means… nothing. Before I looked up the word, I thought maybe “zigazig-ah” was esoteric British slang for sex, like “shagging.” That’s not the case. The Spice Girls coined “zigazig-ah” without ever defining it. No matter, in ’96, we were all either hooked or at the mercy of the DJ at the school dance in spite of the gibberish.
Any man who claims it’s impossible to discover what women truly want might cite “Wannabe” as proof, but we shouldn’t give up so easily. As Prince understood, they don’t respect that.
“If you want my future, forget my past,” Sporty demands. Baby wastes no time delivering a rhyme: “If you wanna get with me, better make it fast.” Scary and Ginger continue the teamwork approach. “Now don’t go wasting my precious time.” A smooth pass to the buxom redhead, who coos, “Get your act together, we could be just fine.”
Now the contrast becomes clear. Whereas Prince had to list his qualifications, the Spice Girls get to set the qualifications—and there are more to come.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,” the British Beauties
command. “Make it last forever/ Friendship never ends.”
Let’s consider these expectations. Not only is the vaginal applicant being challenged to woo one woman, he’s told he must also gain the approval of her closest confidants. In the case of the Spice Girls, this entails winning over a whole quintet in pursuit of one, and similar to a jury, it seems the vote has to be unanimous, which greatly reduces a man’s chances. He might feel the magnetism of Scary’s moxie and sweet pokey nips, but if he can’t shine in a half-hour chat with Sporty about badminton (in addition to three other challenges), forget about it.
Here are some of the other requirements for dating a Spice Girl:
1.) “You have got to give.”
2.) Prove you’re for real and capable of handling her love.
3.) Listen carefully.
4.) Memorize the names of her friends. Degree of difficulty if inside a noisy bar: Ten.
This latest proviso emerges as the ladies begin to namecheck each other, including Posh/ Victoria, which leads to what has got to be considered the group’s best innuendo: “Easy V doesn’t come for free. She’s a real lady.”
A vagina pun?! Oh my God I’m in love. And it’s a vagina pun that conveys words of wisdom suitable for both kids and adults. Wow. Cheeky Girls. Marry me. All five of you. I want to wake up every morning on a huge bed with my head at the center of a star made of spread Spicy legs and V’s.
Anyway. The ladies have devised a daunting obstacle course for Prince and his kind, and it’s all predicated on the following condition: “If you really bug me, then I’ll say goodbye.”
That’s cold, Spice Girls. I retract nothing, but it’s still as cold as the freezer Scary must have just stepped out of.
Hope remains for seducing Spice Girls and their ilk, but the most encouraging lyric they have to offer might as well have been sung with a shrug: “I’ll give you a try.” But with this window of opportunity finally cracked open, the frenzied females gush their most adult material: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta slam slam slam slam slam your body down and wind it all around.”
OK, if “zigazig-ha” turned out to be false hope for dirty minds, surely the same cannot be said when cheeky birds repeat both “you gotta” and “slam” a total of five times, in reference to bodies, which are winding all around. I’ll be devastated if I learn they were only referring to breakdancing.
But if that’s what they want, a breakdancer I shall become. Dammit, I’ll get into shitty dub step and shatter some vertebrae if that’s what it takes to get a little sympathy. That’s how bad I still want to see Posh and Scary naked.
In summation, both “Lover” songs are keen to the relationship between supplicants and rewarders. That was the essence of Girl Power, which Prince understood long before it became a ploy for merchandise. In his music at least, he wasn’t threatened by the movement. Remember, in a claim that was as effeminate as it was ballsy, he claimed he wanted to be “your mother and your sister too.”
That’s the main reason Prince won more mad-dashes to the egg than he lost. Like the sperm who won first place, he embraced it: Girl Power.
