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- I am proud of myself for making it through 2013 without having a complete emotional breakdown…hopefully I will be able to say the same about 2014.
- Whenever I order food for delivery, as I pay the driver, I always ask if they signed the Walker recall. When they say "yes", I say "here's your tip", and slam the door!
- The truth is, almost all the presents under the tree this year were stolen.
- You’re lucky you’re somewhat attractive because your personality completely sucks!
- I am very proud to be Jewish but I want nothing more than to have a huge a festive Christmas tree in my living room.
- I blame my wife for our inability to have children. I don’t think I can wait much longer to be a father and if she can’t make it happen, I am leaving her.
- My girlfriend is so convinced that I am going to propose on New Year’s Eve that I feel immense pressure to actually do when in fact I actually want to break up.
- Another year has gone by without you and I am starting to think that it would just be easier to join you in heaven than live on this earth without you here.
- I'm a feminist! I can't wait to marry him and make more money than he does.
