I’ve been following the Dennis Hastert scandal. I know, it’s just another closeted homo Republican caught having sex with a man. Yawn. Democrats, for all their diversity, mostly have heterosexual scandals. There was that big Anthony Weiner selfie sexting affair. And who can forget President Bill Clinton’s famous cigar? At least it wasn’t a Cuban, there’s an embargo, after all. But, for some reason, Republicans are all about irony. On the one hand, they preach Christian family values. On the other, the red one, they inevitably get caught with their pants down with another guy with his pants down. The names are too many to list. One of my favorites is Indiana state legislator Phil Hinkle. Busted with a supple 18-year-old callboy, the 60-something Hoosier daddy bleated “I don’t know why I did what I did.” Funny, I know why. Then there’s congressional page turner Mark Foley (R-Florida). We bumped into him at a West Hollywood frozen yogurt joint shortly after his resignation. Rehab with jimmies on top...
Anyway, former honorable House Speaker Hastert agreed to pay $3.5 million in hush money to an “individual,” the object of the politician’s penchant for unauthorized holds as a wrestling coach. Speaking of Republican romance gone awry, Sheboygan alderman what’s-his-name, got caught in some illegal liaisons with underage males.
To be fair, there’s Wisconsin’s one out GOP gay, the former mayor of someplace, somewhere beyond Madison, who was elected to the state legislature. Touted as the first LGBT Republican elected to this lofty office (Steve Gunderson doesn’t count because he was outed by one of his Republican comrades), his campaign literature proudly displayed his foster kids, with nary a mention of his same-sex partner. As far as I know, they’re still living out of wedlock. I’m sure that’s his pouting little way of showing the black guy in the White House he’s for states’ rights.
Meanwhile, as I mentioned last month, Gov. Scott “Flip-flop” Walker wants a Federal constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. He said it again on PrideFest weekend. I guess kicking dead horses is a Republican thing. Remember, this is the same Scotty who, in 2004, as Milwaukee’s county executive, ceremoniously proclaimed “PrideFest Weekend” to recognize contributions made by Wisconsin’s LGBTs.
Still, if Republicans all came out, what fun would that be? Now we can all sit around waiting for the next open-toe shoe to drop, and, like most gays, there are plenty of shoes in the Republican closet. One of these days, whether we know it or not, we may have a gay governor, or, perhaps, a gay mayor or even a gay archbishop. Oh, right...never mind.
