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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I hear another Earth Day has come and gone for another year. To tell the truth, I didn’t do a lot of celebrating and really don’t expect to in the future until—as I’ve said a couple, three times before—they make it a regulation official holiday for which you get a paid eight-hours off from your crappy job so’s you can go visit relatives and drink their beer all goddamn day, what the fock.

Anyways, I opened up my brain barn-door the other day to see what I could trot out for your perusal this week and I discovered I had squat to pony up for you’s. But as per my secondary career as media pitchman, I advise one and all to not forget to set aside your Saturday afternoon, April 27, 2-6pm over by the Wisconsin State Fair Park Expo Center for the Shepherd Express humongous “Stein & Dine Beer, Cheese, and Sausage Festival” with more vendors of stuff-items than you can count on six hands.

Yes sir, there will be your tables of display, your booths and even a little area called Kumbalek’s Korner where yours truly shall be ensconced, twiddlin’ his thumbs and whatever else he may choose to twiddle until a fest-full patron stops by to chew the fat, shoot the shit or perhaps flip me a Jackson or two to help defray the cost of my next medical emergency, which at my age, has just got to be hanging out right around the corner for christ sakes.

And speaking of advertising acumen, did you know I’ve always dreamed of being a spokesman for BIC Pens? Hell yes. My TV commercial has me located in a swanky cocktail lounge surrounded by a bevy of gorgeous babes, and one of the gals asks, “Hey Artie, is that a BIC Pen in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” I then whip out my BIC and demonstrate the pen’s superior write-ability prowess by autographing all kinds of ladies’ snazzy undergarments. The tag to the spot is me looking direct into the camera, and with BIC in hand, I say “Don’t be a dick. Use a BIC.” That’s what I call marketing gold and so would you, ain’a?

And that’s all I got, except you know what? With all the goddamn springtime rain de la monsoon-ish we’ve had around here since seems forever, I do believe it’s time to visit Kumbalek’s Komedy Korner where perhaps a couple, three little stories may let a smile be your umbrella:

So this guy asks the guy next to him at the bar, “Hey, so do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" The other guy says, “Sort of. I guess you’d call it the trick-dog style." First guy says, “Never heard of that. Bet it’s kind of kinky, ain’a?” Other guy says, “Not exactly. What happens is I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.” Ba-ding!

And here’s one the kids may enjoy:

So this teacher is explaining biology to her 4th-grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. A little girl raises her hand and says, "Are you sure about that, Miss Giertanmachtenthaler? Because I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could be, asked the girl to tell the class about her kitty-cat. "Well", the little girl begins, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and this big Rottweiler dog who lives next door was going all crazy and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

"That must've been scary", Miss Giertanmachtenthaler said. "It sure was,” the little girl says. "My kitty went ‘Fffff, Fffff, F-f-f-f-f'... And before he could say "Fock off," the Rottweiler bit his head off!" Ba-ding!

And speaking of school days:

So this guy’s in the check-out line at the supermarket when he notices that a really hot babe behind him has just raised her hand and smiled “Hello” to him. He’s a tad taken aback that such a gorgeous gal would be waving to him. Even though she looks vaguely familiar, he can't place where he might know her from; so he asks her, "Sorry, do you know me?"

And she says, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind races back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. "Holy shit," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all the guys while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"

"Ahh, no," she says, "I'm your son's English teacher."

Ba-ding! Ba-ding! Ba-focking-ding! ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.”