Master Debate

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, just like everybody else around Our Town, I got to take a pause here and wallow in the wonderment that the former Seattle Pilots are back in the baseball big-buck playoffs bonanza after a heinous hiatus lasting 26 years, thanks to the bailout provided by two young men, CC Sabathia and Ryan Braun, to one of the most postseason bankrupt teams in the National League. One black, one white. God bless America.

You know, 1982 can seem like a long time. A lot of momentously historic what-the-fock kind of events can be crammed into a quarter century plus one year, I kid you not. If you were to wander down history's timeline for 26 years starting off in 1929, you'd find yourself a Great Depression, a world war, Uncle Miltie Berle taking his Texaco Star Theater radio show to TV, us fighting the Red Chinese in Korea, not to mention, the Detroit Lions winning a couple, three NFL championships. That's a jam-packed 26 years, and you got to figure I'm only scratching the surface.

On the other hand, if you were to choose a 26-year period from some other time years ago, you might find a lot of not-much to be had. If you started wandering a similar timeline, say back about the year 904, you got your Pope Sergius III celebrating the birth of his illegitimate son, and that's about it. Of course, during those long-ago years that only had three digits, if you wandered too far you'd fall right off the edge of the Earth, back then when the geologic physicality of our world was that of a slice of pizza pie before evolution took over and made it nice and round like a Halloween pumpkin, sort of. So what a fall this is shaping up to be, I kid you not.

I'm looking towards our Brewers winning Game 7 of the World Series on Oct. 30 and then a few days later, the American electorate giving the nod to The Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 so as to set up shop in the White House come January. Happy Days could be here again, I kid you not. And yes, as any respectable candidate for the presidency should be-and apparently as is America's Dairyland attorney general with designs to grab a governorship any which way-I am concerned with voter fraud. And the voter fraud that concerns me the most are those who could be bamboozled into believing that by voting Republican they will be better off, what the fock. And so to my faithful followers if not supporters, I say that I must cut short my essay this week.

I got some heavy preparing to do, not only in trying to figure out where the heck I can watch the Brewers playoff games and drink beer on someone else's tab, but also that I fully expect to be on the dais at the next presidential debate on Oct. 7 down there by Belmont University in Nashville, Tenn.; and so far the only thing I know about Tennessee, proud member of the New South, is the state motto: "Moonshine-it's not just for breakfast anymore." Plus I got to figure how to combat the graciousness of the debatable John McCain-gracious as a 12-ounce flaming ass pustule of a carbuncled boil smack-dab on some guy's right butt cheek.

Yeah, I got my hands full. I'm also figuring that at the next debate, the immigration issue that every Tom, Dick and Dickless was hollering about a year ago but that now seems to have folded like the New York Mets in any given September, may finally rear its la cabeza, and all I know about that is this: So this maid from another country asked for a pay increase. The wife of the house was very upset and asked: "Now Maria, why exactly do you want a pay increase?" And Maria said, "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." And the lady of the household said, "And who said you iron better than me?" Maria said, "Your husband said so. And the second reason I want a raise is that I am a better cook than you." And the heir-to-a-fortune wife of a powerful member of the U.S. Senate said, "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" And Maria said, "Your husband did." And then Maria said, "The third reason I want more pay is that I am a better lover than you." And the lady of the manor said, "Did my husband say that as well?" Maria replied, "No Senora, the gardener did." Ba-ding! Yes sir, I'll bet you a buck twoeighty that Maria got the raise, ain'a? And don't forget to tune in on your TV Tuesday Oct. 7 for the show of these would-be presidents going at it head-to-head. And if god is just, I'll get the green light to appear and make it a threesome. What better way to feel about the next leader of the free world than through master-debating, 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.