New World Odor

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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, as our “president” Donald J(ackass) Trump executive-orders himself into renaming the Gulf of Mexico (America) and the Department of Defense (War), I have a friend in a D.C. high place who whispers to me of Humpty-Dumbty’s next switch. What could it be? 

The focking alphabet, for cripes sakes. Yeah, “a set of 26 letters used to write the English language.” That one. 

The top row of your government-issued keyboards for typing will no longer read left to right “Q-W-E-R-T-Y-U-I-O-P,” no sir. 

It will now read thus: “D-J-T-I-B-E-A-G-O-D.” 

Happy typing, you’ all, as you try to figure how you don’t have any kind of health care on account of the “Big, Beautiful..” bullshit. 

Hey, hold on. I’ve gotten the message from a couple, three readers that there have not been enough joke-jokes gracing this page of late, boo-hoo. 

So, what the fock. Since I’ve got nothing better to do other than watch American democracy follow the Titanic to the bottom of the sea, what say we dip into ol’ Art’s Gag Bag and you’s can quit your piss-ass complaining. Let’s go. 

A woman runs to her house, throws open the door and jubilantly shouts, “Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!” 

The husband says, “I can’t believe it! That’s great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?” 

She says, “I don’t care where you go. Just pack and get the hell out.” Ba-ding! 

How ’bout a little income tax story: 

A man called in for an audit by the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” the accountant said. Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice: “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.” Confused, the man went to his rabbi of course, who would surely know the correct answer. He told him of the conflicting advice and asked for guidance. 

“Let me tell you a story,” the rabbi replied. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.’ But when the woman asked her best friend, she heard the opposite: ‘Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.’” 

The man did not understand: “But Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?” And the rabbi said, “It doesn’t matter what you wear. Either way, you’re going to get screwed.” Ba-ding! 

Okey-doke, back to the travails of marital bliss: 

So, this wife comes home from a shopping trip sooner than anticipated and was shocked, shocked I tell you, to find her husband in the bed smack-dab on top of this lovely gal. Just as she was about to storm out of the room and house, the husband calls to her and says, “Now before you leave in a big, fat huff, I want you to hear how this scene came to pass. There I was, driving home and I saw this poor and tired looking young lady by the side of the road, and I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast from the back of the fridge you’d forgotten about. 

“On top of that, her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t wear because they’re out of style. She was cold, so I gave her that birthday sweater I gave you that you never wore ’cause you didn’t quite care for the color. Her slacks were torn and tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you anymore.  

“She was about to leave but stopped and asked, ‘Before I go, I was just wondering if there might be anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ And well, so here we are!” Ba-ding! 

On the road: 

A guy is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road for christ sakes. Cop pulls him over and says, “So mister, where are you coming from?” The tipsy driver says he’s on his way home from the tavern. The officer says, “Looks to me like you’ve had more than a couple, three, ain’a?” And the drunk says, “Well sir, I did all right for myself, thanks for asking.” 

“Did you know,” the cop says, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” And the drunk says, “Praise the lord! For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.” Ba-ding! 

And about the difficulties the physically challenged may confront: 

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. A beautiful woman walks by, stops and says, “You poor man, I’ll bet you’ve never been kissed, have you?” The man has to admit that no, he never has. The beautiful woman bends down and plants a tender kiss upon his lips. 

A few minutes later, an even more beautiful woman walks up to our limbless sunbather and says, “You look like you could use a nice hug.” He agrees that he surely could use a nice hug, which she then sweetly administers, and walks away. 

A while later, an absolute drop-dead gorgeous gal walks by. She stops, and with a sultry smile, looks down at him and says, “Mister, have you ever been focked?” Displaying a hopeful grin, he says, “Actually, no. I have not.” And the drop-dead gorgeous gal says, “Well, you are now. The tide’s coming in.”  

Ba-ding! Ba-ding! Ba-ding! ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.