Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I was watching the debates the other night and I thought that if Joe Biden’s campaign craps out, he ought to get into the entertainment industry ’cause I sure as hell can see him as the goofy neighbor on some kind of stupid-ass TV sitcom, ain’a?
And then I thought of the fat-ass orange circus peanut currently taking up space in the Oval Office. Quite the historical figure, what the fock. A lot of “firsts” with this knobshine, a lot of “breaking norms.” With the way things are, and have been, going, I can for sure see another “first” on the horizon, and that would be the first American president to be toppled by a military coup. And I’m thinking that would be the United States military doing the toppling; although, with Trumpel-thinskin that might not necessarily be the case.
Yes sir, here in the Fruited Plain of Spacious Skies we’ve yet to have our military outright direct the Big Show, as far as I know. But we used to have a bunch of generals become president. I did some research and came up with a list of our military honcho GI Joe Generals who went on to parade in full U.S. presidential regalia. Sad to say, I’m not sure it’s something to write home about. Check it out:
Dwight “Fore” Eisenhower: Two terms, both won over Adlai focking Stevenson. It is to weep long and hard. Most notable achievements: Spent more time on the golf course than in the Oval Office; a first lady named Mamie; and a second-term closing monologue warning ’bout a military-industrial complex handicap. Too little; too late, Ike.
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Then, you got to go all the way back to Ulysses S. Grant (Republican, 1869-’77) to find a top army-man general as president. Most notable achievement: Most focking corrupt administration in U.S. history, besides those of Warren Harding (Republican), Ronald Reagan (Republican), Sir George W. Bush the Lesser (Republican) and Donald Trump (Republican).
Zachary Taylor: “Old Rough and Ready” got pegged Prez on the Whig ticket (opposition party to the Democrats—no such thing as Republicans yet) back in 1849. Most notable achievement: Died the Fourth of July, 1850 after eating a bowl of Cherries Jubilee. As a general, known for kicking Mexican and Native American butt to the grave and beyond. Yeah, god bless America.
President from 1841 ’til 1841, another focking Whig. Most notable achievement: Died a month after inauguration at the age of 69, which at that time was equivalent to today’s 130. Also killed lots of Indians during military heyday days, the fock. Also grandfather of one-term do-nothing president Benjamin Harrison (1889-’93), a military low-level general, just like preceding one-term puppet Republican do-nothings, Rutherford B. Hayes, Big Jim Garfield (’81 through ’81) and Chester “Who?” Arthur, or was that Arthur Chester? I forget.
Andrew Jackson (1829-’37): Oh, boy. Some might say pretty focking good president for the common man finally, a Democrat to boot, wouldn’t you know. Big-time downside: Another slave-owning president who killed Indians like they were going out of style. Upside: Killed lots of focking British sticking their noses where they oughtn’t to have been sticking (see War of 1812).
And finally, General George Washington: Numero Uno and not hooked up with any focking political party. Some say a great president, but how would you really know? Only had a couple, three, thirteen dink states plus not that many people to boss around and regulate, so what the fock. Probably spent most of time in office varnishing his teeth, putting fresh powder on his wig and napping.
Quite the cavalcade, ain’a? Makes a guy or gal want to stand right up and belt out a couple, three choruses of “America the Beautiful,” ain’a? And considering the alabaster list above, don’t forget these lines from the original “America the Beautiful” poem: “God shed his grace on thee / Till nobler men keep once again / Thy whiter jubilee!”
“Crown thy good with brotherhood”? Cripes, now that would be a jubilee worth singing about, what the fock, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
