Our Fecund Amendment

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Photos: George Marks, _Aine_ - Getty Images

Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I offer an editorial disclaimer here at the top: 

The essay you are about to read is true. The names have not been changed to protect the who-the-fock. It will be pack-loaded with just the facts. 

And so for those of you’s who failed dictionary class back in grade school, allow me to lend a hand: 

fe·cund adjective producing or capable of producing an abundance of offspring for new growth; fertile 

“Keep and Bear Arms.” I don’t need no stinkin’ bear arms, what the fock Screw it, I prefer to keep bare arms, especially in the hot summertime/fall when I can wear a nice cottonish collared short-sleeve shirt when I choose to meander outdoors to the pharmacy to pick up my newest doctor prescription (daily Magnesium Oxide 400 MG. Hey, wasn’t that an ingredient used in the Nagasaki atomic bomb? What the fock.). 

And speaking of a “well regulated Militia” if we were, here’s a quote from a Charlie Kirk who’s been in the news of late, I hear: 

I think it’s worth it to have a cost of, unfortunately, some gun deaths every single year so that we can have the second amendment to protect our other God-given rights. That is a prudent deal. It is rational. (Event organized by TPUSA Faith, the religious arm of Kirk’s conservative group Turning Point USA, on 5 April 2023) 

Cripes. Reminds me of the opening line of Frank Sinatra’s classic croon tune, “Young at Heart”: 

Fairytales can come true, it can happen to you 

Another line? You got it: 

For it’s hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind 

OK. One more: 

You can go to extremes with impossible schemes 

And then there is this (copy and paste may be required, I kid you not): 

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/physics-is-pointing-inexorably-to-mind?utm_source=firefox-newtab-en-us 

Physics Is Pointing Inexorably to Mind 

In his book, Our Mathematical Universe, physicist Max Tegmark boldly claims that “protons, atoms, molecules, cells and stars” are all redundant “baggage.” 

Who knew? Certainly not me. Cripes, not only did I flunk dictionary class but back in school I thought science was nothing more than slicing up a dead frog, memorizing the butt-boring Periodic Table of Elements and trying to stay awake in a darkened classroom as the audio/visual bespectacled crew loaded up the film projector for yet another showing of the black-and-white epic, “King Coal.” 

I recommend you peruse the above article. Here’s an enticement: 

To some physicists, this indicates that what we call “matter,” with its solidity and concreteness—is an illusion… 

Oh boy, what next, ain’a? 

And yes, I have decided to mount one more big, beautiful campaign to be your next Badgerland governor come 2026, I should live so long. 

Why? ’Cause I’m all akimbo these days given the state of our world’s trials and travails. But I hear that self-help advice and such bullshit is quite in demand, given these “troubling times.” So what the fock, here’s some random thoughts off the top of my lid, free of charge, that you may practically find of use given what I imagine is your own crappy state of affairs: 

Work of the Future 

—Are you one to look over your shoulder or one who looks forward. There are those, like philosopher Alfred E. Neuman, who prefer to live in the past, because the rents are always cheaper. But then there are those, like myself, who prefer to look toward the future where surely one day they will find a cure for having to work for a living. What’s the hold up, I’d like to know? 

—Don’t work harder. Work less, especially if you’re getting paid for it. You’ll live longer. 

—Motivation: It is more lucrative to B.S. about making a living than actually going out and earning one. 

—Joe Blow Knobshine will swallow anything, and the more you charge, the more he swallows. 

—The soothsayer will always predict a bright future for you that shall begin as soon as he secures your credit card number. 

—The future’s always here before you know it, gosh darn it. If you have not prepared, you will get caught with your pants down, trip, and crack your head open as you flee the inevitable. Don’t sweat the future. Keep your pants on and tomorrow takes care of itself. 

Furry Companionship 

House pets—they don’t drink, the don’t smoke, don’t gamble. No wonder they don’t live that long—heck, who’d want to? 

—Animals belong either in the woods or on a menu, but not in my living room going nuts trying to get at something that rolled or crawled under the sofa. Until they put a house pet on the market that can operate a microwave, flush a toilet and acquire a valid chauffeur’s license, you can forget about me having something with four legs in my dinky apartment besides a coffee table, what the fock. 

Relaxation 

There was a championship bass-fishing tournament held in Ohio a long while back that capsized topsy-turvy due to cheating allegations. And so this: 

If golf is as exciting as watching paint dry, fishing is like listening to it dry. 

—Fish make me think that maybe evolution isn’t all it’s cracked up to be after all. Thousands if not millions of years of swimming around and taking a bite out of the first thing they see, you’d think fish would be extinct by now, ain’a? They eat worms. What do fish know from worms? 

Worms live in the ground, fish live in the water. Please tell me what possibly could be going through a fish’s head, besides absolutely nothing, to just go take a chunk out of something they’ve never seen before. That kind of behavior does not strike me as the kind that fosters survival for eons, let alone a day. 

Consider the consequences if you or me were to be walking down the street and out of the clear blue saw some brown stuff we never saw before, so the first thing we did was take a big honking bite out of it, like a fish from a worm. The Homo sapien as a species in general would’ve been in the crapper years ago by now and God’s universe would be even more a lonely place than it already is, you betcha. 

And finally, thankfully, a snippet of conversation I had with my buddy Little Jimmy Iodine over by the Uptowner Tavern/Charm School the other week: 

“Is it true that when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you?” Jimmy asked of me right after the bartender bought the ol’ “Hey buddy, you got two 10s for a 5?” ruse. 

“Jimmy,” said I, “there’s no way to know for certain. Sure would like to think so, though. Hey, what’s the harm in trying, ain’a? What the fock,” ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.