Set ’Em Up, No One in the Place ’Cept Me

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Photo illustration: Dave Zylstra

Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, before I fix another Lysol on-the-rocks with a spritz of lemon-scented Fantastik (kudos to Donald J. Trump, mixologist-in-chief), I thought I’d take a quick look-see for some good news for you’s during these oft-called “troubled times,” ’cause that’s the kind of guy I am—a troubled man for troubled times, what the fock.

Well sir, I couldn’t find any, unless you call the reopening of hair and nail salons in Georgia—“The Goober State,” of course—“good news.” All these well-coiffed and manicured Georgians need now is for their governor to declare cotillions an essential social activity, which ought to be any minute now, so they’ve got somewhere nice to go once they’re discharged from the ICU they visited on account of the COVID they picked up from their too-soon hairdresser, Beauregard.

And I’m not finding any good news for you’s Up North here in Packerland, what with that ferkakta football draft last weekend. The only name missing from the Packers’ list of who-the-focks is “Green Bay selects Art Kumbalek, long-crapper from out of his dinky apartment in Downtown Milwaukee,” I kid you not.

So, what can I do for you’s this week? How ’bout I trot out a couple, three nice little stories that may put a bit of a smile on your puss or drive you to another website to read something more meaningful while I fulfill my weekly obligation. Either way, we’re all winners here. Let’s get going:

* * * *

How ’bout that immigration “problem”?

So this maid from another country asked for a pay increase. The wife of the house was very upset and asked: “Now Maria, why exactly do you want a pay increase?” And Maria said, “Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.” And the lady of the household said, “And who said you iron better than me?” Maria said, “Your husband said so. And the second reason I want a raise is that I am a better cook than you.” And the heir-to-a-fortune wife of a powerful member of the U.S. Senate said, “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” And Maria said, “Your husband did.”

And then Maria said, “The third reason I want more pay is that I am a better lover than you.” And the lady of the manor said, “Did my husband say that as well?” Maria replied, “No Senora, the gardener did.” Ba-ding!

* * * *

Science:

My buddy Little Jimmy Iodine took his little nephew to see the dinosaurs over by the museum the other year when you could do such a thing. They were looking at some old bones and Jimmy asked a passing security guard if he had any idea how old the bones were. The guard said, “Those bones are 70 million, four years, and six months old.” Jimmy was impressed. He said, “How the heck do you know their age so exactly?” And the guard says, “Well sir, the dinosaur bones were 70million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.” Ba-ding!

* * * *

Here’s one for the kids:

Teacher says, “Good morning, class. This is the first day of school and we’re going to introduce ourselves. I’ll call on you, one by one, and you can tell us your name and maybe what your dad or your mom does for a living. You, please, over at this end.”

Young student says, “My name is Justin and my dad is a mechanic.” Teacher says, “A mechanic! Thank you, Justin. Next?” Young girls says, “My name is Emma and my mom’s a lawyer.” Teacher says, “How nice for you, Emma! Next?” Young boy says, “My name’s Kevin and my dad is dead.” Teacher says, “Oh, Kevin, how sad for you. We’re all very sorry about that, aren’t we, class? Kevin, do you think you could tell us what dad did before he died?”

Kevin grabs his throat and says,” He went “N’gungghhh!” Ba-ding!

* * * *

How ’bout some education?

So this kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

His father thoughtfully looks up from perusing the evening’s newspaper and says, “Son, this I can demonstrate for you. First, I would like you to ask your mother if she would sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars. Then go ask your older sister if she would sleep with, let’s say, Timothée Chalamet for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is somewhat puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio?” And the mother says, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Timothée Chalamet?” The sister says, “Duhhhh!”

The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two-million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.” Ba-ding!

Okey-doke, time to rinse the tumbler and get back to washing my insides out but good, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.