Small Market-itis

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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Hey, I heard our beloved Milwaukee Bucks are really getting the heebie-jeebies ’cause there’s still no concrete plans for a brand-spanking new arena in which for them to bounce their balls. So cry me a focking river ’cause here’s mine own situation: Sorry to say I can’t guarantee the competitive quality of essay I’m able to put out on the page for you this week ’cause I think I’m coming down with a case of small market-itis, what the fock.

My doctors say small market-itis is a condition a guy gets susceptible to when he’s exposed to an infected agent like a small-market city in a small-market state in a small-market area of the US-focking-A. Swell. So how the heck can I possibly even commence hope to compete for the really major-league ideas I can write about when I’m stuck in a cheap-ass dink market like this one? Hey, you tell me.

And then I’ll tell you that I may as well just give the fock up right now. All the hotshot ideas end up in the heads of large-market guys and the smart get smarter. As American philosopher Daffy Duck once said: “It is to laugh.”

Cripes, I’m into my 27th year with this newspaper, and I have yet to hear from any of our Beer Town officials about the declaration of an Art Kumbalek Day. Yeah, “Art Kumbalek Day,” and it doesn’t necessarily have to be anything majestic. How ’bout maybe a few banners up and around; a one-day ban on any and all restrictions that limit tavern hours; a couple, three grand parades down the avenue (can the clowns and bands, I’ll just need a bevy of stacked babes in those baton-twirl outfits); 24-hour TV coverage of all simpatico events and a key to the city that’ll actually focking open something, like a bank vault maybe.

But I will insist that the whole metroplex kit and caboodle plus business industry plus every man, woman and child not only provide a little lip service to the big day, but also pony up some big-time gifts for christ sakes—gifts at least on the scale they hand out to our revered athlete jocks every goddamn time one decides to hang up the strap and pop into town for a brief appearance at the booty ceremony.

Gift items should include (but not be limited to) a focking four-door Cadillac, a nice portable bar, helicopter, furniture, pistols, new shoes, ambulance, boat and motor along with a couple of gals in leopard-skin bikinis and spikes (can the fishing tackle), and a radio station.

And let me add that if Art Kumbalek Day doesn’t come together and the town can’t come up with the goods, I’m as good as out of here, vaya con focking dios. And that’s ’cause I only see red when I project my “revenues” I’m expecting for the year ahead. I take that as a kick to my dupa meant to tell me that no longer can I get by in a small-market tin can. Either our town gets more people into the population so that it becomes big-market, or I will be forced to drive a stake through my Milwaukee County picture I.D. and go strolling a bigger green road, I kid you not.

Where? You tell me—Berlin, Bangkok, Rio, Hong focking Kong, fock if I know, but anywheres they got people with deeper pockets and more of them. Yes, ’tis a pity that putting palaver to paper is all about “the business” nowadays. It’s not like years ago when every kid in the whole damn country dreamed of one day becoming the kind of newspaper guy who’d write down the first focking thing from off the top of his head just for the sheer love of getting finished writing as fast as possible so there’d be more time for tossin’ ’em back at the nearest tavern. But today is a colder, crueler world. Those cocktails cost more than they used to.

(Speaking of business, I’m reminded of a little story: So this guy comes back from a long business trip and notices that his son’s got a brand-new $500 mountain bike. Naturally, he wanted to know how he got it. “Hiking,” the kid says.

“Hiking. How the heck do you get a fancy-schmancy bike by hiking? I’d like an explanation.” And the kid says, “No problem. It’s like this: Every night you were on your trip, Mom’s boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike.” Ba-ding!

And what am I to do about the fine line of Art Kumbalek merchandise I’d like to market but can’t ’cause of the pissant profile of area consumer numbers—stuff like the Art Kumbalek Safety Drinking Helmet, Art’s holiday mistletoe belt buckle, the action figure for kids, the line of AK clothing (I’m especially excited to get into ladies undergarments one day) BUT I CAN’T FIND THE FINANCING. There’s simply just not enough cowboy, maverick yahoo knucklehead high rollers around our part of the Upper Midwest ready to toss big dough my way for the sheer hell of it. And is that supposed to be my focking fault?

Hey, you tell me ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.