I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, as our “president” D(oofus) Trumpel-thinskin navigates his way out of a Chinese finger trap with his self-proclaimed “four-to-five-week” “dust-up” with the history’s Persian empire that has stretched now to six-months and counting with the history’s Persian empire that has stretched now to six-months whilst an available finger trembles toward the fabled “nuclear button,” I am reminded of this:
From Stanley (“2001: A Space Odyssey”) Kubrick’s 1964 sardonic gut-buster, Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb:
Gen. Turgidson: Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth, both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless distinguishable, post-war environments: one where you got 20 million people killed, and the other where you got 150 million people killed!
President Muffley: You're talking about mass murder, General, not war
Gen. Turgidson: Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed, but I do say no more than 10 to 20 million killed, tops! Uh, depending on the breaks.
President Muffley: I will not go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since Adolf Hitler.
Legacy. “I will not go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since Adolf Hitler.” OK, these days, I’m a’feared that is the low-bar goal for a leader of whatever country you be a’leading, you betcha.
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Anyways, I now need to present my annual (and I do mean annual) to all our young scholars and my youthful readers entering this year’s version of a school system of readin’, writin’ and ’rithmetic. It goes something like this:
Art’s Annual Address to All Young Matriculators and What the Fock, Fatriculators To Boot
Welcome knuckleheads, I know I’m a tad tardy with my words of wisdom for you’s, but I can count on no fingers the number of times I was on time for class back at Our Lady In Pain That You Kids Are Going Straight To Hell But Not Soon Enough, so zip it and please be seated.
Begging the patience of you older students, allow me to get my remarks to the little kids out of the way first before they get too antsy since I imagine they may have this read to them at family time.
Toddlers, please listen carefully because I’m only going to say this once. And come to think of it, this may very well apply to a goodly portion of you older kids, to boot: SNOT IS NOT A SNACK FOOD, capisce? If you persist in the belief, not to mention practice, that snot is a snack food, then you can flush your future down the toilet right this minute and learn how to spend the night on a park bench. That belief, no matter what our Supreme Court may rule, is not something to apply to your job resume, no matter your green-dream right to forage, I kid you not.
And on another note, if you happen to be the offspring of a Mom and/or Dad who believe that TV/computer/phone screen is not a babysitter, hey, I feel your pain. You bet that sucks. I guess they don’t realize that limiting TV/computer/phone screen will only lead to delinquent behavior and the development of bad habits ’cause just what the hell are you supposed to do when mom and/or pop declare the TV/computer/phone screen be off and/or off-limits?
Some of that butt-boring “creative” play they read about in a book? Yeah, that’s good for about five focking minutes and then it’s “so now what?” Dad won’t let you dick around with any of the power tools and you’re too young to go to a bar by yourself and watch the TV they got there. And if your family’s got dough enough to have electronic devices all around the house, big focking deal ’cause your parents got the contraptions more blocked up than the arteries to a fat guy’s heart so that the only site you can get through to is dorksmileyface.com., ain’a?
So there you linger and the next thing you know your little brother or sister has a black eye, the knuckles on your right hand sting, and you’re getting the ever-lovin’ tar spanked clean out of you with the smooth side of a hairbrush (even these days, I suspect). And the kick in the hinder is that it seems only you realize that all this strife could be avoided and peace maintained if only they let you see as much TV/computer/phone screen as humanly possible.
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When will they learn? Hey, as soon as you empower yourself by increasing your tiny vocabulary. Ask a legal guardian to google up the word “caterwaul” for you, and then put its definition into practice every time they turn off the TV/computer/phone screen on you.
So you see, any way you slice it from any age, knowledge is power, you bet your sweet ass.
And now as far as you older students, I’ll make my pronouncements brief ’cause I know like everything else, it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other ’til I’m blue in the face since you’ve heard it all before haven’t you, you bunch of smartasses. And just so you know, I’m a believer in the notion that to get respect you got to give respect, so I will refrain from comments on what appears to be weird-ass clothes and focked-up hair to an old fart like me that you choose to defend yourselves with. So relax, and keep breathing.
Now, the best thing you’s can do about school is to quit your bellyache bitching about it. I know it’s tough, it stinks, it’s no fun, it feels like a prison (and for some of you who feel that way, take heart: The day may come when you will reflect back on these days as a valuable preparatory experience as you cool your heels in the cooler).
And I know you’ve got one hell of a lot to learn, compared to if you had to go to school, say, 2,000 years ago. For example, how hard could geography have been back then? For crying out loud they only had like about a couple, three countries, I kid you not. Piece of focking cake. As far as history goes, those people were born yesterday compared to what you all got to memorize these days, so there’s another guaranteed focking A. Hey, English Lit? Mighty slim reading list from back then, wouldn’t you say? Ought to be one big breeze, I figure.
So yeah, you can’t wait to get out into the whole wide world soon’s as soon can come, ain’a?
Hate to bring you down, but guess what? There is no such thing as getting out. Ha!! Once you get out of bureaucratic school you learn life’s really nothing but one big honking school you go to day-in, day-out where you’re going to learn something each and every day whether you like it or not. Like it or lump it.
So the best advice I got for you’s is to read, brush your teeth and stay in school any way you can, the best you can, for as long as you can. And that goes for all of you’s ’cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
