Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, if I were a Las Vegas bookie, I’d be figuring the over/under odds on the date that Donald J(ackass) Trumpel-thinskin appears before some kind of judge and swears, “Honest, you focking piece of judicial shit, I swear that she, on her way to a Girl Scout meeting—God Bless America—told me she was 18, and so I ordered a big, beautiful box of Thin Mints.”
Hey, need some click-bait that has nothing to do with the 75 bands from Liverpool, England, who you never heard about ’cause they never got a recording contract back then in the Mod Sixties?
Or the 55 TV shows from the ’70s with a minor character who was an abso-focking-lutely asshole to the principle characters?
OK, then. Click on this: msn.com/en-us/news/technology/scientists-pinpoint-when-humans-had-babies-with-neanderthals/ar-AA1vKTL0
Teasers:
“Neanderthals have often been caricatured as brutish and primitive…” (Finally, a scientific clue from where today’s Republican party got hatched, ain’a).
And: “Genetics can’t reveal where this interbreeding happened, but many scientists speculate it occurred in the Middle East.” (I’m guessing on the backseat of a camel following a long evening spent imbibing at a cross-town casbah, you think?”
Here’s some bait I offer to you’s without the need to click on anything ’cause it’s free of some kind of bullshit subscription fee:
Nine Things You Need to Know About Mus musculus
• Mice are nothing but pesty cheese-eating rodents.
• They scare elephants; duhh!
• They get into your house without knocking.
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• Once inside, they eat your food and cardboard without permission.
• They enjoy a good bowel movement inside your box of Post Toasties.
• They are only appreciated as do-good characters in animated cartoons or as greeters at Disney World.
• They enjoy dining out as much as you do and feel snubbed when you don’t stop by the kitchen of the restaurant you just ate at to say “Hi.”
• It takes two of them to screw in a light bulb, but how they got in there scientists have yet to determine.
• The only place a mouse belongs is feet-up at the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle so’s you can collect big bucks for mouse-induced mental disturbance.
Oh my. I’m well aware that once one travels down the click-bait listage hole, the appetite can be insatiable. So how ’bout one more:
Artie’s Choice for the Best Top Ten Decades of the Passed Century
10) ’60s: Hey man, if the ’60s finish at the bottom, just how suck-butt can the decades be that don’t even make the Top Ten? Seems to me today the sad legacy of the Swinging Sixties is political-bullshit correctness, half-baked notions of lifestyle, and the escalation of salary for musicians who can’t read music. Right on? Write off.
9) The Naughts: The beginnings of weird-ass art plus no radio, no TV, no movies. No thank you.
8) ’30s: Too many bums looking for a handout and too many European guys hankering for crisp goose-stepping uniforms to rate better than eighth place.
7) ’70s: Dick Nixon, Arabs with oil, disco, Ron Reagan laying presidential pipe and too many boring-ass movies where people just sat around yakking. A bottom-feeding decade.
6) The Teens: Should rank higher because the Titanic sank during this decade, which made possible the biggest blockbusting movie of all time and rekindled hope for more large-scale action pictures; but a World War is a decided bring-down.
5) ’40s: Yeah, another World War, but how ’bout those big bands, not to mention Rita Hayworth?
4) ’90s: A lot of too much weepy psychotherapy going on, but it did look like Commie butt was finally kicked for focking good.
3): ’80s: Way too heavy on Republicans in the White House, but how you going to beat cable TV?
2): ’20s: Babe Ruth single-handedly transforms a kids’ game into the greatest sport in the world to this day. Buster Keaton. Charlie Chaplin. Louis Armstrong. All genius.
1): ’50s: The coolest-looking cars in the history of the recorded universe plus Marilyn Monroe, to boot. Numero uno all the way, baby.
Anyways, I got to go, what with a list of medical appointments I’ve got to figure how the hell I will be transported and returned to the friendly confines of my dinky department.
But top of this aging fossil’s list is this: Go Brewers! Go Pack! ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
