Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, another Monday Labor Day holiday has passed, the day we honor the workingman by pissing the day away drinking somebody else’s beer in some in-law’s backyard or a picnic park somewheres, what the fock.
Hey, how ’bout next year instead we pay tribute to our true blue-collar people by working twice as hard and twice as long that day? A guy like me, for cripes sakes.
Example: I’ve been palaving and slaving away at these thought-invoking essays I craft from off the top of my head for 40 focking years, a demanding 24/7 spent each and every spin around the sun.
So’s to refresh your embraceable memory, George Gershwin (Jacob Gershwine) died at the age of 38, and the need for someone to watch over may be coming up the stairs to knock on my door, thank you
Yeah yeah, 24/7. In any given week, we’re talking 168 hours—a year be 6,720. I’m not a math geek; but 40 years spent considering truth, justice and navigating some way out of here , I compute to tally 268,800 hours. That’s a lot of labor for the opportunity to live and breathe and watch TV, such is the world, you think?
Essay alert: Switch in gears ahead. Hang tight through the curve, please.
As our “president” Donald J(ackass) Trumpel-thinskin now considers to change the name of our 47th state—“The Land of Enchantment”—from New Mexico to New America.
You betcha, repeat after me: “Huh?”
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William Shakespeare, the Immortal Barge of Words, ’tis quoted from his 1590s smash hit starring Romeo Montague and the barely pubescent Juliet (“Jailbait”) Capulet:
“That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
Indeed.
Hey! How ’bout we flip the above quote to read thusly:
“That which we call a rose by any other name would sell as sweet.”
What am I talking about? You tell me.
And then I’ll tell you this about wonderful roses by another name:
Siddhartha Gautama: The Buddah
Dino Crocetti: Dean Martin
Maria Salomea Skłodowska: Marie Currie
Bruce Wayne: The Batman
Norma Jeane Mortenson: Marilyn Monroe
Samuel Clemens: Mark Twain
Leonard Alfred Schneider: Lenny Bruce
Robert Torner: (to be named later)
McKinley Morganfield: Muddy Waters
Eleanora Fagan: Billie Holiday
Lew Alcindor: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Charles Lutwidge Dodgson: Lewis Carroll
Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu: Confucius
Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner: Sting
Melvin James Kaminsky: Mel Brooks
Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu: Mother Teresa
Bob Keeshan: Captain Kangaroo
Time for me to exit this essay, plenty more coming in the future. But speaking of roses, a brief quiz as we fade to black:
Q: “What’s better than roses on your piano?”
A: Tulips on your organ!” Ba-ding!
Forward! And carry on ’cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
