Dear Caretaker No More

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Dear Ally,

I’ve been a care taker my whole life (siblings, parents and friends.) I’m finally able to retire early and am excited about the next chapter in my life. Finally, I can learn how to take care of myself, for a change. I can’t wait! To my surprise, I was named the Power of Attorney for my 95-year-old aunt. I’m relieved that her care is financially covered, but I’m not taking the news well.

My aunt lives in an assisted living near me and suffers from dementia. She’s generally delightful, but with her memory loss, the visits are becoming more and more exhausting. I need to repeat myself over and over again. Because of this, I find myself going to see her less.  Other relatives stay away completely.

I’ve taken care of others my whole life.  I don’t want to be selfish, but I am beginning to resent her, even though I know it’s not her fault. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but don’t know what to do? Can you help?

Caretaker No More

Dear Caretaker No More,

First of all, congratulations on a well-deserved retirement. I’m confident that you will whole heartedly enjoy your second half of life.

I’m reading between the lines here, but it seems that you feel that you’ve reached your breaking point and can’t possibly take care of someone else. Especially in your “golden years.”

Divine Timing is really something, isn’t it? My understanding is that your dilemma is: how do I respect the ability to finally take care of myself while I take care of my aunt?

The good news is that she’s already in an assisted living and has funds to stay there. This facility will hopefully have caring staff and a medical team that will oversee her health and check in on her on a daily basis. They will also make sure she’s eating three meals a day. That’s a huge burden taken off of your shoulders. Your responsibility will be to take care of her finances and provide some social interaction, love and support.

 I know a little about dementia, because I too, have an aunt with that same brain disease and am happy to share some of my insights.

I would advise you to develop a positive relationship with one or two members of the care team. In this way, you will have an ally to alert you to any potential health risks for your aunt.

As you know, there are many different types of dementia, but they are all progressive. There are some medications that might slow the progression down, but the disease will get worse over time.

What continually amazes me, however, is that the person afflicted with this disease can be totally present in the moment. They have mastered the art of mindfulness effortlessly. Let me give you an example.

Before her illness, my aunt enjoyed all kinds of art, especially watercolors. One afternoon, I took her to a coffee shop in Brookfield that was located in an old train station. It’s very cute with suitcases outside of every booth. The coffee’s good too. Through the windows of this coffee shop, the owners stream a continual video of different, colorful train scenes.

My aunt became fully immersed in this visual display. We stayed there for hours. Pure delight. We didn’t have to talk. We could just watch. She was totally at peace.

That afternoon, I realized that I could expose my aunt to different visual experiences and most likely, she’d enjoy the real-time beauty of that moment. I could too.

What does your aunt enjoy? Music? Art? Sports? Find experiences that she might like and take her to those venues.  She’ll have fun and you will too.

Your aunt will savour the time with you and the experience. You will be sharing the moment together. It’s a win-win. Because of this, the exhaustion and resentment level will dramatically decrease. 

Since you’ll be having fun with your aunt, it’s safe to say that your mood will improve as well. Hopefully, this will ease your mind and positively impact your new life in retirement.

Best of luck to you as you navigate these changes in your life.

Here for you,

Ally