Dear Back Burner

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Ask Ally

Dear Ally,

I have an unusual problem—my life is almost perfect. I just have a little bit of heart break that I need help with.

I married early and divorced two years later. After many frustrated years of dating, I finally met someone that really makes me happy. But I’m in my fifties and at that age, we all come with some baggage, right?

Like I mentioned, I approach this new relationship after a disappointing dating history. None of the women I became involved with worked out. I longed for a serious, monogamous relationship. My new girlfriend was married many years before her partner died. She assures me that she has finished grieving and is ready to begin a new life. 

She has adult children. I don’t have any kids.

She’s not used to navigating new relationships. She’s more comfortable with someone she’s known for a long time. I’m the opposite. I’ve only had short spurts in the relationship game. We do our best and are learning and laughing together.  It has been such a dreamy romance, that I can’t believe she came into my life.

Here’s the heartbreak part:  her adult children are very protective of her and don’t want anything to do with me. She explains their behavior by telling me that they’re still grieving their dad. It has nothing to do with me.

But because of their grief, she recently told me that she will follow their lead on the right time to introduce me to them.

This is exasperating to me.

If only they’d give me a chance. I am not interested in taking their father’s place. Don’t they want their mom to be happy?

But that’s not all. I’m equally aggravated at her for letting her kids make the final decision when I can attend family gatherings. I’d like her to make me as much of a priority in her life as she is in mine. I don’t know if that will ever happen.

I’m totally in love with her, and I think she feels the same. Right now, her kids are her priority. I feel like I will always be on the back burner. Because of that, does our relationship really have a future?  I don’t know what to do. Can you help?

Back Burner

Dear Back Burner,

I am so happy for you. It’s wonderful that you two found one another. Now comes the hard part. How do you make it work for both parties? 

This is where life lessons present themselves and offer us a significant chance for personal growth. But it’s never easy.

You both seem ready and willing to start a committed, romantic involvement. I’m especially relieved that your partner feels that her grief process is at a point where she’s free enough to start a new relationship. You are emotionally available. These are positive signs for both of you.

It’s quite natural that, especially, after their father’s death, many moms will tend to make their children’s well-being a priority. Because of this, the kids will not be in a hurry to accommodate your wishes to meet them, even if they know on some level, that you are good for their mom.

In other words; if you truly love this special woman and if you desire a future with her, you need to gently and respectfully surrender your expectations to attend family gatherings in the near future.

Forcing your way into her family is not the answer.

Avoid this drama. Do not push the envelope with your girlfriend or her family. It will backfire. Removing this pressure will allow your new relationship to grow in a natural timeframe.

Practice patience and trust your girlfriend. She will know when the moment is right to meet her family. At that time, you will be able to ease into creating relationships with her adult children. Only in this way, can you move from the back burner to the front. You can do this!

Here for you,

Ally