Ask Ally
Dear Ally,
I pride myself in my friendships. When any of my good friends need support because of tough times, I know how to show up for them.
Because of disturbing health news, I need to show up for myself and live differently—diet, exercise and breaking old behavior patterns. I have no idea how to do that. Can you help?
Clueless
Dear Clueless,
This is difficult for all of us. Our society (work, culture, school, religious beliefs) teach us that we must put others’ needs before our own. If we dare to think of ourselves first, we are considered selfish.
Here’s the good news. You already know how to be a good friend to others. You just need to transfer that empathetic instinct to yourself.
Healthy Boundaries: It’s important to know the difference between support and people pleasing behaviors. Most of us do both, but pleasing others gets us in trouble. People like us when we do what they want. We receive lots of positive reinforcement that makes us feel valued and important.
When we do what we want, we surprise them, and they get upset. They’re used to our old actions. Sometimes a power struggle ensues. If this happens, you need to ask yourself, “is this fight worth it?”
If it involves your journey to show up for yourself, the answer will always be Yes.
The best way to establish healthy boundaries is to notice when we are on automatic pilot with pleasing patterns. Awareness is the first step. We need to pay attention when a decision comes up; pause and ask, “Is this what I really want to do? Or am I following an old pattern?”
Stay on top of the news of the day
Subscribe to our free, daily e-newsletter to get Milwaukee's latest local news, restaurants, music, arts and entertainment and events delivered right to your inbox every weekday, plus a bonus Week in Review email on Saturdays.
The awareness moment might sound burdensome and basic. That’s because it’s the beginning of the process that will soon become a new habit.
As a first step: make a list of the important things you’d like to change in your pleasing behaviors. Food and alcohol are boundary issues too. Example: Let’s say you have a friend that always chooses the restaurant. You agree to meet there but notice your old pattern. You suggest a walk along the lake front instead. You explain that you are trying to live a healthier lifestyle. What is their reaction? Will they support you? Can you negotiate a win -win compromise? If your friend doesn’t hear you, you must speak up.
Speaking up may be difficult to do at first. But it’s a must. “Allowing others to overrun your boundaries has unhealthy consequences for you. Being unwilling to share your feelings or say no also prevents the other person from knowing what you feel and expect.” https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-set-boundaries-with-friends-7503205
Mindset Reframe: Besides boundary setting, the hardest part about showing up for ourselves is learning to change the way we think about ourselves and making time (forcing ourselves in the beginning) to pay attention and follow-through with our new goals.
The best way to get in touch with our best self (that really wants us to live a better life) is to spend time alone to listen to ourselves: meditation, prayer, journaling (at least 15–30 minutes per day.)
Diet and Exercise: Slow change is good change. To set yourself up for success, don’t try to do everything at once. I would prioritize in the following way:
- Sleep
- Food and Water
- Exercise
Sleep: We know how important sleep is to our overall health. We need sleep to regroup and rest. Dr. John Whitcomb, who runs the Longevity Institute in Brookfield, writes, that in order to keep our brains young, we need to flush out the lymphatic fluid and other gunk in our brains. The only way to do that is through sleep. He states that we need to have at least 8 hours of sleep a night.
Food and Water: The Mediterranean diet that focuses on fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grains, olive oil and fish is considered the best diet of 2025.
The Institute of Medicine recommends that men drink 13 cups (about 3 liters) of liquid and women have 9 cups (about 2 liters) of liquid per day. This amount will vary depending on temperature, age, weight and exercise activity.
Exercise: Experts agree that we all should have 150 minutes a week.
Showing up for ourselves is difficult, but a critical step for self-change. Start slowly and cut yourself some slack if you mess up. Be patient, as you would a good friend.
When we’re at our wits end in frustration, rather than beat ourselves up, ask, what would my good friend advise me to do? I hope the answer is, “it’s OK, keep going the best way you know how.”
Here for you,
