Dear Going Crazy

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Ask Ally

Dear Ally,

I read your column monthly and always learn from them.  Thank you for providing such good advice. Now, I hope you can help me.

I’m in my late 50s, married and leading a decent life. Our two adult children are on their own and doing well. My work is rewarding and my co-workers make it enjoyable. I’m not sure when I will be able to retire.

I hope that writing you today will help me understand why I sometimes feel extreme waves of sadness. It feels more like grief and I don’t know why. No one’s died recently and it feels different than the sadness I feel after something terrible has happened.

I know I’m not depressed, but I am confused. There’s really no pattern to these crazy emotions and I can’t figure out what triggers them. They appear out of nowhere. It happens when I’m alone and can really feel them. When I ignore them, it seems like they come back even stronger.

Despite these occurrences, I feel pretty good. I worry because these emotional bursts are happening more often. I know my hormones are going crazy as I experience menopause, is that it? Sometimes the feelings are overwhelming. It’s almost like I’m really supposed to pay close attention. But to what? Is it because I’m getting older? How do I navigate this? Please help.

Going Crazy

Dear Going Crazy,

Please know this. You are doing the right thing by feeling these emotions as they come up. Yes, your hormones have a lot to do with it. As you know, menopause marks the end of your menstrual cycles. You can no longer get pregnant. During this transition, the body’s production of estrogen and progesterone decrease quickly.

The feelings of sadness that you’ve been feeling, are called unprocessed grief. As we get older, issues in our life, that we’ve ignored or pushed aside, resurfaces. You write that you have a sense these feelings are important, like it’s something you need to pay attention to. You’re right. The feelings emerge so that we can feel these uncomfortable, stressful emotions and face them.

For example: At the doctor’s office, you receive bad news. It’s not the end of the world, but it was a surprise and you did not expect it. The information scared you, but you hold it in till the end of the appointment. Just as you arrived at your car to shed a couple of tears, you receive an emergency phone call from your kid’s school. Your daughter has been throwing up all over the cafeteria and she needs to be rushed to the ER. The school nurse thinks it’s her appendicitis.

Your attention is immediately diverted to your daughter and your need to cry disappears. Those tears are stored in your body, where all the other stored sadness goes. But here’s the thing: what your mind forgets, your body always remembers. This is unprocessed grief. It doesn’t vanish but will visit later on in life.

During menopause and beyond, when our kids are grown, we tend to slow down and crave more quiet stillness. The silence in itself is nourishing, but the extra time gives us space to feel the unresolved feelings. The big feelings need to be faced; the less important feelings can be let go.

Up until recently, we have only heard negative things about menopause – the weight gain, the anxiousness, the sleeplessness and the fatigue.

Age Like a Girl by Mindy Pelz is a great, positive book about this change. Dr. Pelz goes on to say that even though, it feels like everything’s “falling apart, it’s actually a moment of transformation …. that when we stick with the stressful moment and learn to find new ways to navigate the difficulty, the neurons in our hippocampus (the part of the brain correlated with memory), literally rewires your experience of the world. It’s where the old self dies and the new self begins to form.”

Like when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly.

She claims that menopause “rewires your brain for mental clarity, increased confidence and renewed energy.” All of the changes in our body, set us up for creating a more resilient brain. And when we’re being completely honest about our aging future, it’s the brain that’s the most important.

Going Crazy, the most important thing you can do is feel your stored feelings. Let your inner caterpillar transform into a beautiful butterfly. Do not brush the feelings aside. Think of yourself as your own best hero when you feel them. “The life meant for you is already moving closer with every brave choice that you make.” Power of positivity.

You can do this!

Here for you,

Ally