Dear Grieving my best friend

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Dear Ally,

My heart is broken; but not from a romantic partner, from my best and oldest friend. There’s lots of resources for mending heartbreak from a boyfriend or girlfriend, but nothing about a special friendship.

It happened so fast. I went over to her house for dinner, and she started teasing me by calling me names. I didn’t realize it until I got home, but the name-calling really hurt my feelings. I don’t think that was her intent.

I texted her and told her about it. I always thought, in close friendships, we could be honest with each other.  All she had to do is let me know that she wouldn’t call me those names anymore.

In retrospect, I should have called her.

She responded by calling me childish. That was four years ago. I have tried numerous times to call and text her to mend our friendship. Once, she even texted back, but she never returned my calls.

I miss her. There’s something so special about a friendship that has spanned decades. Because we knew each other as kids, she knew my parents well, and that is very important to me, now that they have passed.

I don’t think I can contact her again. Her non-response sent a pretty strong message. Can you provide some advice about how to survive this big loss?

Grieving my best friend

Dear Grieving my best friend,

I am so sorry about your experience. I have suffered a similar loss so I have an idea what you are going through. You’re right; there are lots of conversations and resources about surviving the breakup of romantic relationships, but not many discuss the loss of a deep friendship, that are equally important to our lives.

Although painful, you have learned some important life lessons, from this difficult experience. Your insights about calling your friend, rather than texting her are absolutely correct.

Sharing your feelings with a loved one, falls into the important category; that means in person communication. Ideally, face-to-face, but when that’s not possible, calling is the next, best thing. No texting, social media or emails. There is too much room for misinterpretation. When communication is done digitally, each person, naturally draws their own conclusions that could cause an even bigger distance between the two of you. 

Authentic communication in a close friendship is critical.  Ideally, we all strive to achieve complete honesty in our relationships. However, when sharing, we need to know whether our friend is in an emotional place in his or her life, that they can hear our feedback and our intent. Otherwise, it could threaten the relationship. In your case, unfortunately, your best friend misinterpreted your simple request. She heard something completely different. We can only conclude that the words must have hurt her enough to suspend the relationship. We have no clue what was going on in her world.

In essence, we don’t know what we don’t know.

This is not your fault, but it teaches us all, a very important lesson. Big conversations need to take place in person, to allow a give and take, to avoid misunderstandings.

The most important thing you can do for your own healing and personal growth is to accept and grieve the loss of your special friendship. If possible, talk to a therapist about it and share what the friendship meant to you.

Here’s an affirmation that has helped me heal my own loss.

“I am letting go. Of the weight that isn’t mine to carry. Of the people who cannot meet me where I am. I release the past with gratitude and peace. What’s mean t for me will never ask me to chase it. What’s mine will stay.”  Intrepid Quotes

After your personal work on acceptance and grieving, peace will find a place in your heart. Please know that you did everything you could to try and revive the friendship. Now you need to take care of yourself, focus on healing and move forward into the future.

Here for you,

Ally