Dear Helpless mom

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Ask Ally

Dear Ally,

With all the recent tragedies occurring across the country, I feel silly, asking you about my personal problems, but here goes.

My son is a drug addict and has been for quite some time. I realize I must do something different, so that I can live a more peaceful life, rather than worrying about him all the time.

A good friend pointed out that I will never be able to control him and need to find a different way to deal with his problem. She told me that all the ways I’ve tried to help him in the past, have failed. He’s still using.

I think she’s right. I need a different approach. I go to Al- Anon meetings, but I just can’t seem to let go of my need to change his ways. Can you provide some sound advice?

Helpless mom

Dear Helpless mom,

Awareness of the problem is the first step. You’ve identified an aspect of your behavior that isn’t working. You must change. You will never be able to convince your son to be sober. He must do it himself. It’s your job to focus on your problems, not his.

Our first reaction, as mothers, is to protect our children. In order to do that, our basic instinct is to try and control the environment so they won’t be in harm’s way. But in the case of addiction, we must work against these impulses. It’s counterintuitive, but necessary. Otherwise, our codependent tendencies will kick in to complicate and enlarge the problem.

When you were growing up, were you valued for taking care of others? Did you receive lots of attention and positive reinforcement for putting others’ needs in front of your own?  If yes, that’s where your co-dependency started. Co-dependents are hard-wired to take care of others. They need validation.

Co-dependency is also an addiction. We are addicted to help our loved ones, often at our own expense.

That is hard to hear, but true. Co-dependents are also addicts.

By trying to control your son’s addiction, you are actually contributing to it.

I learned something new about the infamous three C’s: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it.” There’s a fourth C: “I can contribute to it.”

Don’t meddle in your son’s addiction. Let your son be the hero of his own story. Only he can make decisions about his life.

Addiction is a brain disease. This is something that people forget.  They think it’s a matter of will power and that the addict can decide to quit anytime they want. Not True. Alcohol and drugs wreak havoc on our brains as well as our bodies. Most addicts need professional treatment to end their addiction. 

I know the addiction story well because I have experienced it. I’ve made lots of mistakes and am still making them. After years of trying to control my loved one’s behavior, I read something shocking in the Al-Anon literature. “Al-Anon’s purpose is not to bring sobriety for the alcoholic, but peace of mind…” (for us.)

My life had to change. I had to develop a completely different mindset. It was very hard. But once I let go of the need to control; the pressure disappeared. I finally could breathe again.

We can release control more easily if we constantly remember our job is to achieve peace in our lives, not the addicts. I also hold the Buddhist’s perspective of “non-attachment of outcomes,” as another way to let go. In Al-Anon, they say, “give it up to your higher power.” (Higher Power is very loosely defined and follows the addict’s belief system.)

Focusing on yourself and letting your son determine his own future is probably the hardest thing you will ever do. Your heart will break a million times. You will eventually realize that you can no longer carry your son’s burden.  He must carry it in order to heal. The same goes for you. The only way to heal yourself is to focus on creating peace in your life. 

Give yourself tons of grace. You will need lots of support. It helped me to meditate and focus on my breathing. I’d breathe in courage and breathe out fear. I learned to set healthy boundaries. For example, I refused to interact with my loved one if he was high. I told him that I loved him but could not talk to him unless he was sober. This was very difficult. I found, though, that setting boundaries was my key to freedom and creating peace.

“We can have patience and compassion without being a crutch, so the addict may gain the strength to seek help for themselves.” (One Day at a Time in Al-Anon.) 

You can do this!

Here for you,

Ally