Dear Impatient

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Dear Ally,

In mid-January, my family hosts an annual New Year family reunion celebration. Up until the last couple of years, I always looked forward to it and had a lot of fun, catching up with my cousins and their kids.

Now, at least half of our family are MAGA. The party has become more of an obligation, rather than something that I enjoyed.

As luck would have it, I just had a run in with my MAGA neighbor over our property lines. After that headache, I’m thinking about not going at all to the reunion. I’ve lost my patience with all of them.

The worst part is that I don’t know how to respond to my MAGA relatives without getting into a huge, political argument.

Can you help?

Impatient

Dear Impatient,

You’re not alone with this dilemma. Families are deeply divided and it has negatively impacted celebratory dinners and holiday gatherings.

But I think you should definitely attend and try to enjoy it in the best way you can.

Your first rule of thumb (you probably already know this) is that you cannot expect to persuade them to your point of view.  It will never happen. Save your energy. Many people make this mistake and drive themselves crazy.

Another thing: Do not take the bait!! Sometimes guests with the opposite view as yours, may try to bait you into a discussion that then turns into an argument. Be careful not to fall into this trap.

In the “America at a Crossroads” series, National Public Television’s, Judy Woodruff shares some tips from folks across the country, who are working on this very issue.

I think the following three points are the most important. Honestly, they will help all of us navigate these tough situations, that are going to be with us for a while.

1. Act, don’t react

David Lapp, co-founder of Braver Angels, says that even though, “there’s a lot to be angry about, we need to resist the temptation. Instead, you have to be curious and actually engage with people on the other side.” Sometimes, you’ll find “more agreement among them than anyone had imagined.”

1. Keep it Local

Journalist James Fallows advises us to avoid national politics. “It will immediately end the conversation.” He suggests asking folks about the story of the town. Examples might be, “Are kids moving in or moving away?” If you keep the issues local, you can have a more meaningful conversation.

1. Tell Me More

Loretta Ross, a college professor shared that “after years of shouting at people she disagrees with, she’s come to understand that asking a few simple questions can accomplish much more.” She goes on to say, “People love telling you about themselves if you give them an invitation. And you’re having a conversation, instead of a fight, it’s just that easy.”

I absolutely believe that the above three points will work for you at your family reunion. I too have a MAGA neighbor. We are able to talk about almost everything except state or national politics. Keeping away from these topics, supports our relationship as neighbors and helps build community.

Here’s wishing you a fun New Year’s family reunion! I hope you are able to reunite with your relatives in a way that deeply connects you to them, sharing open-hearted mutual respect. 

Here for you,

Ally