Dear Kevin: Undecided,

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Ask Ally

Dear Ally,

I need your advice about whether or not I should take a family trip.

I’m 75 years old, a widower with three daughters, two of which are married with kids. In late September, we’re invited to a family wedding in Sardinia, Italy. My daughters are thrilled with the idea of hiking on the ancient Roman road and traveling to several archaeological sites. They’re planning on turning the weekend wedding activities into two weeks of Italian exploration. They cannot understand why I’m not more excited about this once in a lifetime trip.

I’d describe myself as a man who is sometimes lonely and frustrated with some memory loss, aches and pains and sleeplessness. On better outlook days, I’m a wise man who sometimes enjoys life. I lost my wife three years ago, think about her every day and feel like I’m still mourning her. The upcoming trip brings up many wonderful memories we had on our Italian honeymoon.

Besides the memories, all I can think about is my back aching from the eight- hour flight to Rome, the train ride to Naples and the 13-hour ferry ride to Olbia on the island of Sardinia. (We’re all wondering about taking a plane and ditching the ferry idea.)  But even without the ferry, I’m extremely hesitant. How robust do I need to be for this trip?

Once in a while, I play a round of golf, but normally I take the dog out for my daily exercise.  I have avoided the gym for the last three years. I’m not really keen on having my family judge me as feeble when I can’t keep up with them. I’m really afraid of that.

Come to think of it, I’m not sure I really want to go. I keep changing my mind about it. Although I love spending time with my family, in this case, it almost feels like the downsides outweigh the benefits. Does this mean, I’m really getting old or that I’m finally getting in touch with my limits?

I still have a month or so to make up my mind, but I’d love your take on what I should do.

Kevin: Undecided

Dear Kevin: Undecided,

Old age is scary, and I sense fear in your letter. It also sounds like processing your grief over the loss of your spouse took its toll. That’s understandable. There’s some self-doubt or shame about not taking care of yourself, correct? Try not to judge yourself, grief is all encompassing, and you deserve to cut yourself some slack.

This quote articulates the immense impact of grief:

“Grief doesn’t want to be solved.  It wants to be held.  Sat with. Witnessed. It shows up like a tide, sometimes soft, sometimes devastatin ...What you’re carrying is sacred. It’s the shape of love after loss”—Tierra Stockham

I provided that quote, so you could be easier on yourself and not let your grief stop you from going on the trip if you really want to go. If you do feel even a hint of excitement about going and ready to start a new chapter, there’s still time to get in shape (both mentally and physically) for the trip.

On the mental side, make sure you are talking to friends on a regular basis and have enough social outlets. Do not isolate and be intentional about planning regular social activities. On the physical side, you can join a gym or check out the tons of free exercise videos on YouTube besides playing golf and walking your dog.

Take some time to gain insight on whether or not this trip is for you. Whatever you decide and even if you’re still undecided; plan an honest talk with your kids and share your hesitations and the best way the trip would be enjoyable to you.

If you decide to go, make sure you explore all options, including the potential of coming home early. Make sure your decision is made with your self-interest and is not at all mixed up with pleasing your kids. 

I have full confidence that you’ll make the best decision for you and might even have fun in the process.

Here for you,

Ally