Dear Losing my daughter,

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Dear Ally,

You’ve written before about problematic mother/daughter relationships. While growing up, my daughter was always a spark plug and full of energy. Our relationship was open, warm and trusting.

During senior year in high school, she got involved with meth. Since my mother struggled with addiction, we acted quickly and put my daughter in an AODA (alcohol and drug) treatment program. She’s always resented me for “messing up” her last year of high school.

Once she started a family and launched a successful career as a child psychologist, I didn’t see her much. Her kids were involved in lots of after school activities and it was difficult to find quality time in our schedules. I helped her when I could, but she didn’t ask often, making it clear that she didn’t need my support.

I moved to a different city, about four hours away and over time, my daughter and I drifted apart. The relationships with my two granddaughters remained strong.

I miss my daughter. When I’m in town and stay at her home, she’s always exhausted. Working full time and raising two kids, I completely understand that. Apart from the tiredness, she seems completely cut off from her emotions. She doesn’t seem to be able to connect with people. I’m scared to admit this, but it feels like something died inside of her, like she’s disappearing before my eyes. I just can’t feel close to her.

I don’t know how to fix this relationship. How do I reach out to her? How do I start the conversation to get close again?

I feel like we live on two different planets. Please help.

Losing my daughter

Dear Losing my daughter,

One of the golden nuggets that I’ve learned over the years is when we gain an important insight about others, the awareness comes from something we have already recognized in ourselves. Without this understanding, we would not be able to identify it.

In other words, when you wrote that you became fearful that something died inside of your daughter, you might have been talking about yourself. What has died inside of you? Once you can answer that question, you will begin to see yourself and your daughter differently.

You mentioned that your mother struggled with addiction issues. That childhood trauma set the groundwork for you to be co-dependent: a disease that teaches us to put others’ needs in front of our own. 

When we are taught at an early age that our only value is to take care of others, we lose touch with the voices inside of us that also want our attention. As a little girl, maybe you wanted to play outside with your friends instead of caring for your mother. There were so many things and experiences that you gave up in order to take care of your mom. This affected you as an adult and all of your relationships, including the one with your daughter.

Before you can address the relationship with your daughter, you first must address how to take care of yourself and establish healthy boundaries. This is very important work. You can decide to do this work either with a therapist or there’s a number of in-person or online meetings for CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous)  Co.Da.org  or Alanon, al-anon.org

With this work, you are taking the first step to accept yourself and create your future. Only then will you be able to genuinely develop a relationship with your daughter. It will become easier for you to find ways for your daughter to join your life, rather than trying to fit into hers. Although with time, this too will come. You’ll be better prepared to be able to discuss the pain from the past and feel strong and stable to handle future issues that may come your way.

You can do this!

Here for you,

Ally