Ask Ally
Dear Ally,
I can’t sleep. I’m kept awake at night by negative recurring thoughts. I’m so unhappy. I thought I’d be further along in the world and judge myself harshly.
I’m stuck in all aspects of my life. Everything: work, relationships, living situation. I can’t seem to move forward in any direction.
If I could reduce all of my angst into one word; it would be fear.
I’m afraid of everything.
It’s not just failure; it’s the unknown. My world feels like it’s becoming smaller while at the same time, falling apart. I’m falling apart. I don’t know how to deal with it.
Where is this fear coming from?
I’m in a dead-end job, which I don’t like at all. How can I apply for a new job when I feel like this? My girlfriend wants to take the next step in our relationship, but in this state, I’m not ready for a commitment. She tries to encourage me, but I’m too disgusted with myself, which makes me feel even more miserable.
I’m lost and have nothing to look forward to.
Can you help?
Stuck in Milwaukee
Dear Stuck in Milwaukee,
It sounds like things are not going your way.
You are not alone. Believe it or not, we’ve all been there. I think the first thing to think about is changing your mindset about your current status. When you think of yourself as stuck, it’s always negative. There’s nothing positive about feeling stuck.
Rather than judging yourself, try to imagine that you are In Between.
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In Between is recognizing that you are in a transition phase. Transition implies movement. Your feet are in both worlds. The world of your past, which you’re trying to change and the world of your future, which you know nothing about.
Sometimes In Between can feel a lot like waiting, which many of us don’t like. Waiting implies feeling passive; of not being in control. Doris Reach, executive coach and courage specialist, believes that “growth often happens in the waiting.”
She accepts “that waiting is not unproductive time, but it forces us to learn patience, emotional regulation, adaptability and acceptance of uncertainty.” It also teaches us how to be more present.
In between can be scary because of all of the unknowns. But it also leaves lots of room for growth, exploration and discovery.
What would exploration look like? It might involve and is not limited to: 1) paying close attention to what sparks your interest; 2) asking your friends when they’ve seen you the most enthusiastic about one of your or their ideas; 3) if you have a good relationship with your parents or siblings, ask them what you loved to do as a kid.
All of these ideas can help you ignite a fire for change, a connection to your new world, and will open new doors to discovery.
When singer Billie Eilish was interviewed on CBS Sunday morning with Nora O’Donnell, she talked about her fear of going on tour by herself. This would be the first time she would be performing without her brother, Finneus O’Connell. She was especially scared about being able to reach a high note in one of her songs. Finneus had always been supportive, how could she appear solo without him? She was riddled with dread and trepidation.
Rather than be overcome by fear, she took voice lessons. She said that the experience opened so many doors for her. “She found a part of herself that she didn’t know was there.” That journey transformed her fear into courage.
Billie Eilish feeling afraid and taking voice lessons is a perfect example of the In Between phase. Being scared, but still exploring and finding something wonderfully unexpected.
Besides that, Billie rediscovered her joy in music. Can you try to find some joy in your life? Can you play your favorite music, see a friend or read an inspirational poem—anything that can transport you to a different space?
Jennifer Wagner said it best. “Mornings are for fresh starts. Evenings are for soft landings. In Between, we simply do our best.”
If you can work on believing that it’s OK to be scared, ask for help, find some joy and trust that you’ll land on your feet, you’ll be able to thrive in the In Between and excel in your self -exploration.
You can do this!
Here for you,
